DAD AND THE RAT

First, the Prologue……

    When we moved into our house we found that the previous owners had left a few odds and ends down in the ‘half’ finished basement. Among the items were four very large rat traps! My Dad did not seem to deal very well with the possible fact that we may have rats the size of smoked hams. The basement was creepy enough. Half the basement was well constructed with a concrete floor and brick walls. The other half was still unfinished earth, spider webs and large yellow rat eyes peeping at you from every corner!

   Because the summer temperatures topped out in the high 90’s, Mom had Dad put in one of those little swinging doors on the bottom of the basement door for my dog Chiggers to come through and get out of the heat during the day. Dad was hoping Chiggers was a rat killer…………end of the Prologue.

   Every year Mom used to set up a serious bean garden. Always a good size one and from it she canned enough green beans for the winter not only for us but most of the neighbors and the National Guard. But it was a pain going out and watering it everyday.

   Now….Dad had events of genius just about every week when he and Mom went to the VFW for shrimp and beer. Most times, Mom just told him to put the beer down and took him home, but one time he made some sense! He wanted to make it easier for Mom to get her garden watered so he decided to chisel punch a hole through the basement wall and connect an old water hose to the drain hose on Mom’s washing machine down there and run the hose down to the garden. That way, each time she washed clothes the garden would get watered from the drain off. Dad lived for moments like this.

   Saturday afternoon…..Dad got a big hammer and a stone chisel and went outside behind the house and measured off where the washing machine would be on the other side of the brick wall. Finding what he believed was the right spot he commence to pounding. In the cool basement, relaxing, was Chiggers. When the pounding started, that poor dog went nuts! Seemed like the entire basement was coming apart. Chiggers ran around whining and trembling in the dark basement while Dad did his thing on the outside. After about ten minutes, Dad had finally punched a small hole through the wall. He then reached through the hole pushing the loose masonry out to the other side. At one point, he pushed his hand through to the other side.

   Chiggers was a mess by now. The dumb animal was running around in circles pissing on the concrete floor. When Chiggers saw something poke it’s way through the wall in that dark corner of the basement, he went wild! The dog ran and leaped through the air and clamped on to Dad’s hand with a ‘Vulcan Death Grip‘! On the other side of the wall Dad screamed! “Holy shit!! A big ass rat’s got me by the hand!!!”

   I’m upstairs watching TV and don’t hear Dad. Mom’s on the phone with her sister jabbering away and she don’t hear Dad. But our next door neighbor, Mr. Benze does and comes running over to Dad’s aid. “What’s wrong Sam?” Mr. Benze shouted as he watched Dad twist and kick his legs in all directions.

   “A damn big ass rat has me by the hand!!”

  Mr. Benze jumps back like he thinks the rat’s going to gnaw it’s way through Dad and then come after him! “What do you want me to do, Sam?”

  “Go in the damn basement and beat it off my hand for Christ sakes.!” Dad cried.

   Mr. Benze ran to the basement door and cautiously opened it. “Hurry Benze, before it chews it to a stump!” Mr. Benze went into the dark basement and looked towards the corner where all the commotion was. It was dark and cluttered and he had to strain to see.

   “My God, Sam!!” cried Mr. Benze. “Your dog’s in there and he’s fighting the rat!!!”

   My Dad then shouted, “Get em Chiggers! Tear em up boy!!” At that, my dog bit down harder on my Dad’s hand and this caused my Dad to start screaming like a sissy on a roller coaster. A few moments later Chiggers ears perked up. He could hear the ice cream truck coming up the street and chasing that truck held a priority over any basement varmints. Chiggers let go of Dad’s hand and ran out from the dark corner of the basement and then between Mr. Bentz’s legs and then shot out the open door and then raced around to the front of the house and out to the street to wait for the ice cream truck. Dad jerked his injured hand out of the hole and collapsed as Mr. Benze came running out of the basement.

   “Your dog took off after it,” said Mr. Benze. “Couldn’t quiet make out what it was with everything happening so quick.” Dad just sat and moaned.

Now the epilogue……

   Several things happened later that summer, concerning the events I have written about. Dad got more than his share of free beers at the VFW by the retelling of the rogue rat attack. Mom’s entire garden died the first time the washing machine drained wash water that contained bleach and Chiggers got premium butcher bones all summer……what a hero.

   In Another Life…..

    I was foaled one spring day, 18 years ago. I weighed 79 pounds and my coat was a matted red. My sire was a majestic Morgan that stood fifteen hands tall and carried a respectable bloodline. As he traveled a lot doing one night stands, I was never afforded the opportunity to run with him and learn the ways. My mother was a working mare on the ranch and after I reached the age of eleven months I was left to the devices of the other yearlings as we galloped the pasture harassing the old stallions.

I took to harness when I was two years but tended to be difficult under the reins. Early one day, four keepers came into my stall and backed me into a corner. One keeper pulled out a slender metal object and an instant later my loins went spastic as all four keepers jumped back. I must have kicked for an hour. For the next few days I stayed backed into the corner of my stall in total confusion with no sense of what I was now feeling. I was led out of the stables after a week and by then I felt calm and relaxed but I did notice a strange attraction for the Clydesdale stud located in the last stall.

The years passed as I accommodated everything my keepers wanted from me. I was fed well, my hooves tended to and I was brushed everyday. Some of the more inferior ‘dung droppers’ would come and go, but, I knew I was among the favored as the young offspring’s often rode me two at a time and I was always careful in my gait. My life was good.

I am now well into my 18^th year. This morning, my keepers came into the stable for me.  They led me outside and then up the ramp of an enclosed wagon. It then rolled away and I rode in it for most of the day. It was night when the wagon stopped and the gate was opened.  I was led down the ramp and then placed into a coral with many others of my kind. There was no fresh water or grain and most all the horses were stirring and becoming agitated. We all felt each other’s fear and as the stress increased so did the fear.

Half way through the long night, a large door opened onto the coral and keepers with ‘hurt sticks’ started herding some of us into the giant stable with bright lights. The large door quickly closed before I could enter. There must of been water and feed inside and this caused excitement among the remaining breeds and agitation at the same time. 

The sky is now lit and the large door has finally opened again and this time the remaining herd needs no coaxing to enter. As I enter the large door into the brightness inside, I see that all the keepers are wearing white that is covered in dark stains. I hear my kind start to scream.

    The effort was agonizing. Fear, confusion, thirst and the surreal brightness of the place numbed his mind. She was holding up better than him and he hung on to her and was ready to hold her pack if needed. The eyes were everywhere…..everywhere. They were watched with every shuffling step they took. Some showed no real interest but others were strange and menacing. He knew they would soon need food but they had to keep going. The sparse foliage they passed was tall and rich but bore no fruit. They passed statues of strange beings and objects that often made little or no sense to this place.

Thirst…..gnarling thirst was tormenting his throat. She was stoic and concealed her own discomfort.

    “I can’t take this much longer, I’m dying,” he groaned. “Food, I need food. I’m so weak now I can hardly walk!”

    “You crybaby!!” she replied. “You started complaining as soon as we parked the car. After Sears, then we’ll go to the food court, okay!?”

    GOING BACK

Last night I dreamed that I died. My death was totally obscure of any detail, but it resulted in me being transcended to a place of unrestricted wonder. A strange but soothing place. A simple place where life blossomed. I knew it wasn’t heaven as God and I parted ways long ago. It was a place of many oddities, one of which was the absents of hate! No one understood the concept of animosity, jealousy, distrust or betrayal. It was not that everyone loved each other but better to say they were unrestricted in their feelings and all were cordial and considerate. There was total unfiltered honesty and this was displayed without effort or endeavor. Because of this, the reality of judicial relief was not necessary. Confusion over rights or judgment was often left up to those in attendance or an elder to decide and then all would depart in agreement. There was, without explanation, no obligatory enforcement required, therefore, the restrictive need of police was nonexistent.

    Every mortal was stupid. The combined I.Q. of an entire family must have been less than 100 and this was considered respectful. Having an intellectual void restricted the need to read and write and enhanced the honored status of story tellers who, verbatim, told the true and treasured stories of ancestral events both grand and adventuress. The verbal recitals were all given in truth as lying was a malady of retardation. Those that were adapt in head thinking usually made up songs and thus were considered a prize among the people.

    “Man religion” was never an indoctrination because even in the most inquisitive of minds, the people just simply could not associate God and Nature with the simplicity of man. Therefore, there were no restricted dogmas or commandments. This eliminated the self ordained priest, shamans and conjurers. The people knew their God and showed their respect with celebrations of feast and thankful benevolence. There was also the telling of good God stories.

    Here, as in the conscious world, people died every day. Illnesses, accidents and the passing of a long life. The deceased were buried with proper dignity and dutiful traditions. It was always a sad event but very much a part of their simple life. The passing, however, of an elder was a heart wrenching occasion. The lost of the ancient ones was a loss of great experience and worthy counseling. They would mourn unrestricted for days if not weeks.

    All the people gathered together each morning for their first meal of the day. The young women would bring out warm and rich porridges and fresh sweet breads. The young boys carried steaming pitchers of herb tea sweetened with blossom honey. After the grand meal the good folk would all go out to the different fields and tend to the collective crops while the boys tended the flocks of sheep and goats and the girls looked after the home gardens. At mid-sun, carts were brought out with fresh water, fire baked potatoes and good bread. At the end of the day all would return to their homes to rest and enjoy a good meal, family and the comfort of hearth and fire. Their days were not complicated or demanding. There was order and a type of subliminal discipline that never required a restricted obedience or compliance. There was no chaos.

    The dream ended at 6 am when my alarm clock began blaring misdialed static. I microwaved a cup of instant coffee and sat down with a plastic wrapped Danish. My phone vibrated across the small kitchen table and while I ate I checked my voice mail. My computer crashed two days ago from a Godzilla virus, so I was restricted to depending on my iPod to communicate. I just did make it to the 7-11 to gas up. The pump declined my credit card, (like I thought I would), and I ended up using my debit card while some guy in a heavy accent squawked at me over the intercom.

    I finished my fifty minute commute to work and then ran up the back steps to the third floor. I was over 30 minutes late….again. I sneaked into my small restrictive cubicle and sat down at my desk. There was an envelop. In it was my pink slip and final paycheck. Security help to gather my things and a few minutes later I was slowly driving back to my studio apartment. I was, for lack of a better word, “home” around 9 am. The elevator was broke again and I had to climb the four flights of stairs carrying a file box of my cubicle adornments.

    Tired and winded, I finally reached my apartment and once inside I collapsed on my “secondhand” sofa that still smelled like someone’s cat. After a few sober moments I stood up and slowly walked out onto my small balcony with the dead plants and single plastic chair. I looked down below at the stirring clusters of small human figures running along the sidewalk in pursuit of their own restricted and senseless missions. Even from the fourth floor I can smell and retch from the city’s exhaust and my mind begins to numb from the din of angry traffic and the empty rhetoric of urban music booming from blocks away. I close my eyes and I think of last night’s dream. The serene and mystical purity of it all. Only in this dream do I feel like I have a soul. I continue to daydream of the good folk and the sunshine and laughter. I now feel at peace and I begin to smile as I open my eyes to see the pavement rushing towards me.

IF I HAD THREE WISHES

We all know the story of Aladdin and the lamp’s Jenie. Aladdin had a greater dilemma than most folks realize. Putting myself in his slippers I wonder what “my” three wishes would have been? Understanding that these three “events” would be unfettered and universal in any and all changes and consequences. What would I demand of the genie?

WISH NO. 1.………Forget world peace. As nature is not at peace, ergo, man will never be at peace. Death and destruction is an apocalyptic horse that nature rides every day. The world heaves and crumbles hourly taking lives by the millions. The subordinate species such as lions, wolves and anything with sharp teeth will always feed based on a violent act. OK…..I know, you’re thinking about the warring nature of mankind. The indiscriminant destruction of human life for reasons of ideology, power and resource. Then my first wish would be the elimination of the culprits; “ideology”, “power” and “resource“. The problem with that is it would take all three wishes and I have a selfish need for at least one of them. So, my first wish would be… “THE ELIMINATION OF ALL IDEOLOGY”. Without ideology there can be no religion (did I just hear a gasp??). No holy books or sacred manuscripts? No self ordained prophets and, alas, all monumental structures and iconic bric-à-brac will fall to dust as have all since the beginning of man (refer to nature). Our species will be given the wonderful gift and excitement of each finding God in their own way with no strings attached.

WISH NO. 2.……….This wish has taken a lot of thought. The upheaval of a poorly thought out wish can be disastrous in that it may require the third wish to correct and if the bad wish, once corrected, left any damage, I could be held at fault and jailed or sued….off tract…..anyway, I believe my second wish should be, “THE WORLD WOULD BE GOVERNED BY THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!” The planet would be divided into 6 leagues with each league having up to 30 countries and each country having one team to represent them. The Japanese team would not be allowed to use Sumo wrestlers. Each league would have a Commissioner and a Hall of Famer as Prime minister. If there was an issue between two countries, well then, the respective teams would play a game and the dispute resolved. Revenue (taxes) would be collected solely from the sale of season tickets, concessions and lucrative TV & cable contracts. Each year a “UN BOWL” would be the final destination for the best among the top world teams of the NFL, one from each league and the final winning league would rule the planet for one year in regards to trade, dress codes, health care, types of music, etc. Under this form of government certain laws would be mandated. Free agents would be considered traitors……any team with less than 4 wins that season, the coach would be imprisoned and the quarterback sent to death roll with the free agents. Baseball would be played in third world countries only.

WISH NO. 3.….…..This wish would need to be at a more personal level. I could wish that all members of my family would live long and healthy lives, but the problem is that I have a few extended relatives that if they don’t die in the next few years I may very well do them in myself! That won’t work, so maybe get all my hair back?…..for what? Cause the chicks will like it? All my missing teeth grow back?…..so I can sit around in pain teething like a baby all day?? Make my wife young again?….what kind of demands would she make on me then? Great wealth?……..most likely have a heart attack at the ATM the first time I withdraw. A regulated time each day when nature makes her call for me to do my business?….nope, I like surprises too much. Now into my sixties I don’t need a makeover. Soooooo.…with the most concentrated mental effort I’ve decided my last wish would be a “A LA-Z-BOY RECLINER!” It would be the best model the Chinese could make. Zebra striped to camouflage dirt and stains. Side pockets for my remote and pistachios and a flip out drink holder. I would also have a built in butt and back vibrator. I live in Florida so no heat elements are needed. My comfort zone…..my safe little corner of the world……my throne!

THE FINAL ANALYSIS……..Sundays I could stay home all day cause there won’t be any church. I can watch football for at lease 12 straight hours at a sitting in my vibrating La-Z-Boy. Life would be good.

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