December 4, 2011

• Snoozeology….WAKE UP!!!

   

  Snoozeology     About a year ago, my grandkid was over and I let him mush his brains for a while by letting him use my computer to get on his ‘face book’ page and count his friends. I later walked in on him and caught him on one of those free porn sites. I jumped him like an ant eater on a termite mound. A raging 300 pound Santa look-a-like is not a pretty site and it almost made him go blind but he got the message. This has nothing to do with the next part but consider it an epilog…… Later, when the almost blind child had left, I ran to my computer and went into history and got the site back. It was “Sally’s House of Breast”. Anyway…….I was making mental notes of the damage this kind of filth and debauchery could do when all of a sudden my screensaver (of floating puppies), was on. I HAD DOZED OFF!! I had crapped out and I had only been on the first floor of “Sally’s House of Breast” when I nodded off. I hated that. Not missing out on the other floors but falling asleep. Now a days, at the grand age of 64, I look forward to three daily events. My morning coffee, my noon BM and my afternoon nap. I do not allow anything or anyone to interfere with these three activities as they tend to be the pentacle of my “retired” days. The nodding off was something new. Watching old movies on TV has always been a joy but too often lately, I would miss the ending and just snort, snooze and drool. THEN…..I dozed off at a red light! Went to see the Doc. My heart was under stress, my eyes were bloodshot and my beard was crusted with dry drool. I was set up for ‘sleep observation.” I was wired up from one end of my body to the other and then put into a prison looking room and instructed to go to sleep. I was denied my goodnight cocktail. After a long and uncomfortable night I was analyzed and evaluated and the results was I had “sleep apnea.” A condition that causes you to stop breathing when you fall into deep sleep. I had experienced the same situation in the past when Wifey used to put a pillow over my face when I snored. But this new thing was more dangerous. There was no medication for it and I was not a good candidate for surgery. The Doc prescribed a C-PAP. It’s a small machine that sits on your nightstand with a long hose and a soft plastic mask that covers your nose and while you sleep it blows a category 4 hurricane force wind up your nose which inflates your eyeballs to bursting and dries and blows crystal hard boogers out your ears! OK. I exaggerate some. Some. The Doc said I would have to use the machine until I lost at lease 30 pounds. After that, I would sleep normal. That was a year ago. I’ve now learned to sleep very comfortable with the wind tunnel attachment and except for the occasional dream of the movie “Twister”, all’s well. There is a problem with our dog as he just sits there half the night and stares at me. No…..I didn’t lose 30 pounds.                                         “NAP RAP” Well one thing’s true, I likes ta nap, Pull down the shades and pull down my cap. Be it in a chair, on the john, in the sack Out like a light, and that’s a fact…..jack. I’ll nod and sway, Couple times a day. Well, this old fart, he likes to snooze, Even better still with a sip of booze. So let me rest and close the door, Allow me the pleasure to drool and snore. Charlie

  • 12:26 am
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