December 9, 2011

• The Airport….human petting zoo

   

  “Have you had your beer break today?”
  

      I was forced to go to the big ass airport in Tampa a few months ago.  It was to pick up my younger brother down from Georgia. I don’t like airports, don’t go to them and usually don’t even like to blog about them. That said, I continue…..

      I had rather get a full body massage in a biker bar than go to any airport. You see, I hate the ritual of going through security and getting my body ravished by an under paid, 250 pound Puerto Rican woman with thick glasses. As a rule, I have always enjoyed “find the quarter“, but, at lease there was some kissing evolved. At the terminal it’s more like “find the bomb.” Not that these folks would recognize one even with a lit fuse!&&&

      Anyway, I started my ordeal by squeezing my 300+ pound carcass through the ‘Zircon Molecular Ray Booth’ and then as soon as my bone screws set off the INVADER ALERT BUZZER, they directed me to a holding area where Gabriela awaited with her electronic prodder. Taking into account my size, it took a while…..my ass alone required three passes of the device. I removed my well worn Dockers and they are hurriedly searched for devices as old Dockers tend to emit years of foot fatigue and rubber gloves are not guaranteed protection from flipper fungus.%%%

      I was told to raise my arms in the event I may have hand grenades hidden under my arm pits. As Gabriela smacks on her worn out chewing gum, I know she staying alert to the fact she may have to take me down at any moment and at least that possibility is a turn on! Once she has given me the once over and I’m declared IED safe, I was then free to put on my fondled Dockers and continue my journey to gate #44, about three miles away!  I ride for a few blocks on a moving sidewalk that groans under my weight and gives me motion sickness. I then hop on the mini transit train that gets me closer to my gate at bullet speed. &&&

      After I jump off the Kamikaze express, I stop at McDonalds, (yes, in the airport!) to feed and rejuvenate. Later, I’m passing gate #40 and almost to my destination. Unfortunately, gate #42 had just unloaded a Delta 747 from Cancun. As the sunburned and hung-over passengers passed me like a herd of bewildered survivors, I stood against the corridor wall and allowed them to pass with their bundles of souvenirs, sombreros and AK47’s.&&&

      I finally reach gate #44 only to find my brother’s flight is 30 minutes late. I turn and head to Ruby Tuesday, (yes, Ruby Tuesday!), for a beer or two or whatever, I don’t remember now. Later, only by luck, I saw my brother walking pass the restaurant and ran out to meet him. I took him back into the establishment and we downed a few.  Later, once I paid the parking ransom for my car, I let him drive with a pit stop at HOOTER’S before we were to head home. &&&

      Later………Wifey was called to come pick us up. We all got home and then the two of us boys kicked back with a couple of AmberBock’s and started to talk politics when all of a sudden my brother sat up and said, “My suitcase!”

  　

  
  

  　

  
  

  　

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  • 10:57 am
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