July 11, 2012

• Real men don’t need sex……

          HORNY VIKINGS

   

      All that men really need in life is ‘physical bonding’. Much like their Moms lavished on them in their youth, minus the mammaries. The physical bonding, I’m referring to, is the traditional type that this generation of men experience today with their buds, comrades, pals and amigos! The bonding rituals are older than cheese. Going to a football game with three of his cohorts and then drinking themselves into oblivion. Soon, they are taking off their jackets and shirts, in 20 degree weather, and painting their flabby torsos in team colors and then yelling, jumping, gyrating and head-butting their friggin brains out with every touchdown their team makes. After a few more beers, anybody’s touchdown will do.

      As I said before, these bonding rituals are ancient among men. The Vikings, during the seventh century, used to slosh themselves with gallons of mead and then toss battle axes at each other for fun with the occasional loss of a finger or two, or three. Bonding! Men doing men-stuff together and enjoying the shit out of the maiming!

      I know you’re asking about the comment, ’Real men don’t need sex.’  Well, women know that to be true, and are connivingly smart about how to handle it. They all know, in their opportunistic minds, that when their he-mates are out bonding with the tribe, sooner or later, they must return back to the cave. It is then, that they take advantage of the overly bonded male. So, when HOOTERS closes for the night and the man finally figures out how to get home, that she will be waiting, provocatively dressed in flimsy veils and quivering with anticipation.  He will enter his domain like a victorious Nordic warrior and see her pretending to be a subjugated maiden waiting to be plundered….then he will plunder her….he can‘t help it! After she has rendered him of all his essence, she will then graciously allow him to sleep. Yep…..that’s the sex part.

      Now, here’s the disclaimer part:  Male bonding, in the last decade or so, has taking on an entirely different philosophy and concept and on occasion has been sexually tainted. Today, it takes place in bizarre dance clubs where they serve fruity drinks and play retro disco music. Instead of giving head-butts, they just give head and butts….(sorry about that). Men have to be more careful now about comradery and the noble act of buddy hugging, incase the guy he’s hugging starts calling him at home every night. Just saying.

  　

  　

  　

  　

   

  • 10:55 pm
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