WHEN GETTING HIGH WAS IMPORTANT! 

    Last night, I was out back sitting by our pool. We have a pool because I gave up auguring against anything in 1997.…anyway, I’m sitting in my chase lounge drinking a prune smoothie to help gyrate my plumbing when I looked up in the night sky and saw the nav-lights on an airliner go over at about 20,000 feet. I stared at this common event and then slowly digressed into awestruckness. It was a man-made object the size of a small building zipping through the air at approximately 550 miles an hour, (that’s 2,035 Chinese li an hour). It was carrying over 400 humans plus a dozen or so sedated dogs and cats below in the crowded baggage hold along with a few stashed immigrants.

    Incredible to comprehend, and yet we take it all for granted. I can only imagine the epiphany Wilbur and Orville must of felt the first time their powered glider, made of spruce and ash, and covered with muslin, didn’t crash for a change and soared through the troposphere at 7 miles an hour for nearly twelve seconds. The ten foot altitude must have been regurgitating!  Anyway, mankind has booked a lot of Frequent Flyer Miles since that eventful day in 1903.  As of 2010, the world’s airlines now fly over a billion people a year…..that’s a lot of cavity searches.

    Well, whatever celestial cloud the Wright brothers are hang gliding from today, they can be proud of that simple glider that flew at Kitty Hawk. But, like all marvelous creations which mankind comes up with….sooner or later, man will also find a way to use it for destruction. The once famous supercarrier, the USS Kitty Hawk with it’s contingency of military aircraft, had the destructive might to destroy a small country. Ironic.  

    So I sit by my pool in the evening and ponder these fleeting facts and conundrums. When you drink as much prune juice as I do, you tend to have a substantial library in your bathroom with oodles of useless facts.   

    OKAY….LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT

COSTELLO:   Hey….Abbott! How many folks don’t have jobs now?
ABBOTT:   Good Subject. Terrible Times. It’s 8%.
COSTELLO:   That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT:   No, that’s 16%.
COSTELLO:   You just said 8%.
ABBOTT:   8% Unemployed.
COSTELLO:   Right 8% out of work.
ABBOTT:   No, that’s 16%.
COSTELLO:   Okay, so it’s 16% unemployed.
ABBOTT:   No, that’s 8% .
COSTELLO:   WAIT A MINUTE! Is it 8% or 16%?
ABBOTT:   8% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.
COSTELLO:   IF you are out of work….you are unemployed? 
ABBOTT:   No, you can’t count the “Out of Work” as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.
COSTELLO:   BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!
ABBOTT:   No, you miss my point.
COSTELLO:   What point?
ABBOTT:   Someone who doesn’t look for work, can’t be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn’t be fair.
COSTELLO:   To whom?
ABBOTT:   The unemployed.
COSTELLO:   But they are ALL out of work! 
ABBOTT:   No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO:   So if you’re off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?
ABBOTT:   Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO:   The unemployment just goes down because you don’t look for work?
ABBOTT:   Absolutely it goes down. That’s how you get to 8%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don’t want to read about 16% unemployment, do ya?
COSTELLO:   Crap no! 
ABBOTT:   Absolutely.
COSTELLO:   Wait….I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT:   Two ways is correct.
COSTELLO:   Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
ABBOTT:   Correct.
COSTELLO:   And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
ABBOTT:   Bingo! 
COSTELLO:   So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.
ABBOTT:   Now you’re thinking like a Washington economist.
COSTELLO:   I don’t even know what I just said!!! 
ABBOTT:   Now you’re thinking like a politician.

                      THAT SPECIAL DAY!

    There are two events in life that serve as a type of finality. One is the funeral and the other is the wedding. Both bring a closure, of sorts, to a life. The funeral is comprised of guest in proper attire bearing witness to the demise of one’s life. There are tears, flowers, supportive words and laments for the deceased. Then the gathering of friends and family for food and reflection. The wedding is comprised of guest in proper attire bearing witness to the demise of the groom’s life. There are tears, flowers, supportive words and laments for the couple. Then the gathering of friends and family for champagne and reflection. The only real difference between a funeral and wedding is that the central figure, stands for one and reclines for the other.

    At the last wedding I attended, it was interesting to make comparisons and analyze those in attendance. The groomsmen reminded me too much of pallbearers and the groom’s hangover pallor bore some similarity to that of a corpse washed up on the beach. The bride was dressed in a white starchy gown that would soon end up in a large box and buried away, possibly forever. Her makeup was applied in several layers like stucco, in order to mask imperfections and puffy eyes. The somber minister pontificated about life, harmony and salvation before finally officiating. Seems that the only real difference in the script is that at funerals, the preacher doesn’t have to pronounce the dead as deceased.

    A bachelor party is the equivalent of a ‘wake’, where everyone swaps stories and antidotes about the man’s life while drinking free booze and eating jalapeño poppers. Both events usually end with a lot of crying and throwing up. Bachelorette parties, I assume, are also like wakes, where the women discuss how really good the woman looks while they consume liters of white wine along with endless trays of weenie hors d’oeuvres and cheesecake Petit fours. Likewise, the traditional evening ends with a lot of crying and purging.

    By the end of the day, when all is said and done, and the two types of ceremonies are concluded and paid for……the participant of one will have been laid to rest, while the other….is simply being laid.

                                                                                                                                CHARLIE

                                                                                                                                                                    YESTERDAY

    Today is me and Wifey’s anniversary. This is no biggy to most folks or even to our family and acquaintances as we tend to be very private about such matters. Just another day for most with a casual footnote that it’s our anniversary. Over the years our anniversary has become more of a spiritual communion for us which, unfortunately, many of them would not understand.

    Wifey and I have been through hell and back over the decades and have acquired numerous physical and emotional scars to prove it. We have maneuvered our way through financial crises and endured our share of hardships. We’ve held on to each other through the loss of loved ones and stood by each other in times of critical health. I have awoke three different times from extreme surgeries to have her by my bed holding my hand and giving me one of her angel grins. Then for three weeks, I watched her endure an uncomfortable hospital room chair where she kept watch over me during the night and then tried to sleep during the day. She was there to make sure I didn’t sneak off to heaven I guess, or HOOTERS most likely.

    We have seen the ups, downs, joys and heartaches of our children’s lives and have both been guilty in the spoiling of a dozen grandchildren. We have celebrated every Thanksgiving as a family feast and each Christmas as the highpoint of the year. Wifey has also cooked incredible Sunday dinners, year round, with an open invite to all the clan to attend with the promise of plenty of leftovers to take home, because Wifey has always lived in the loving glow of her family and their incredible appetites.

    When we are alone, we often gab about….yep, that’s right, family….but sometimes we branch out and discuss politics, movies, her next hair color, my weight, the grocery list, our garden, and once again, family. We do something else that continues to amaze our grown kids….we can’t keep our hands off each other! We hug and kiss a lot and we are constantly laughing with and at each other. And there lies the magic to a long and wonderful marriage…….just the simple and wondrous joy of having each other.

                                                              Happy anniversary, Sweetheart

 TODAY

   We Are Our Children

     Life is bewildering. We wage massive wars and devastation on our species, and yet, we watch the news and anguish over the rescue of one solitary child trapped at the bottom of a well. We love our shoot-em-up action movies with scenes of glamorized death and gore. Higher the kill-rate, the better. Yet….we are repulsed and horrified if any of the scripted scenes contain the death of children. Show us hundreds of photos of starving Africans and the Pulitzer winners will always be of the children.

    What is it about the human condition that causes us to freely sacrifice our lives for the sake of a child, whether it’s our own or not? We all know that there is no beast on this planet more ferocious than a human Mom protecting her young. Instinct? Conditioning? Confusion? Subconsciously, our children are us! In soul and genetic matter, they generate from us, and long after we are gone, they will carry on the essence of us along with that of their grand parents, great grand parents and so on. Confucius endorsed this ancestral link, as has many other beliefs throughout the centuries, as the spiritual fiber that bonds one generation to another. A hundred generations from now, a baby boy will be born of my lineage and at that sacred moment of birth, I will, in a very unique way, once again be part of life in the genetic makeup of that new born child. I might influence his character, his good looks and I may even be that infinitesimal spark that guides him to create. I will live again, through him, as will my forbearers.

    Respectfully, I won’t convolute this blog with religious connotations, except to say that the wonderment and substance of birth is beyond my simple mind’s comprehension. Whether birth is orchestrated by God, nature or ancestral intervention, I have no idea. Yes, I do have faith. Faith in who I am and in my children and grandchildren and someday, soon, I will look into the eyes of my very first great grandchild, and there…..I will see myself.

                         LIFE’S LESSONS

    Okay….indulge me while I tell you a few indisputable facts about life and humanity. I am old enough to have experienced a lot, both good and bad in this world and as an elder I do tend to overstate the obvious to those who tend to understate the logical. Not saying some people are stupid, but more like cerebrally challenged due to the high fat content in their diets and their own gullibility to reality shows and bogus campaign ads. I too, was a victim for many years of the spin aficionados, both in the news, at school and behind the pulpit. The influx of ideology dribbled into my head like winter molasses, tending to clog up my neuron synapses which effected my common sense.

    WHAT I HAVE LEARNED!….is that the three greatest impediments to our well being are “POLITICS, RELIGION and FOOT FUNGUS”. These three apparitions of life have caused me more harm and dissention than any alcoholic pole dancing wife could have, or a perverted son wearing a gown to his first prom….sorry, I tend to overstate.

Politics….the act of righteous sodomy done in the name of the American people, followed by the double penetration of the banks and corporations. People need leaders….not congressional pimps!

Religion…. a lifetime of relentless atonements officiated over by the self ordained for the cause of spiritual salvation. Faith propaganda used as leverage rather than hope. People need God….not man.

Athlete’s foot….has haunted and slimed it’s way around every gym, Y.M.C.A., shower room and Chinese foot massage pallor for most of a century. Our feet can go to the moon, but we can’t cure foot rot?? Here again, all the elements tie in together. Washington will dump a barge full of bailout money into corporate ‘black holes,’ but not a cent for toe crud? Politicians will waste time forming budget committees on how to pay for it while the clerics will simply state, “God will cure it.”  I for one have had it!

    I plan to publicly burn a copy of “Dr. Scholls Foot Care and Therapy,” in the parking lot of Walgreen’s this Sunday after church. The press and community leaders, as well as what few friends I have left, are all welcome to attend and bear witness. Wifey will not be there.

    If it rains…..we will all meet two miles down at “HOOTER’S” for Q&A.

                                                                                                      Respectfully, Charlie

        JUST A MEMORY? 

    Each morning when I get up, I walk into the bathroom and look into the mirror. Not really sure why; maybe to make sure something didn’t grow during the night or even something fell off. Now-a-days, the mirror serves no other purpose. At one time I used it to make the necessary adjustments and modifications required before I went out into the world to work or socialize each day. Those days are long pass now. Retirement, cruel complacency and “so what” have all taken hold now. I’m old.

    I have now accepted the fact that I will never be President of the United States, nor will I ever appear on ‘Jeopardy’. Add to that list; I will never experience the exhilaration of an expensive lap dance. Seems the only fantasy I can hold out for is a possible role on the next Stallone movie, “The Expendables 3.” But, I doubt it cause I’m retired!

    Please don’t get me wrong! I enjoy being a walking organ donor with attitude. Seems I’m just standing on the corner of “IT’S OVER STREET”, waiting for the “DO NOT RESUSCITATE” bus to show up. Stop shaking your head and doing that tut, tut sound with your tongue! Believe me, my life has been full and rewarding.

    I’ve broken nearly every major bone in my body and ripped some Richter Scale farts in church. I have dated, in my early manhood, every specie of female known to exist, just shy of those found on the Galapagos Islands. I am ashamed to confess that I was easy and allowed many of them to take full advantage of me….numerous times.

    I have been a Democrat, Republican, Libertarian and Baptist and followed false prophets in all of them. I’ve been successful in management, but a failure in business. I’ve collected two college degrees and still, I can’t spell for crabp. I taught high school for two years and loved the profession, but hated the devious juveniles.
 
    I have had my loves and hates. I hate uncooked cats, Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians and Baptist. Love God, but hate religion. Love football and hate baseball. Still enjoy ‘I Love Lucy’ but hate Desi. Love winter, but hate those ‘Snuggie’ blankets and I hate summer, but love air conditioning. I love my beef cooked slaughterhouse rare, but gag on sushi. I love beer, but hate prune juice….but need to drink both.

    I have been very blessed in my long life. Married to a wonderful woman who can still do a cartwheel at 66, (if properly medicated), while I can only spin a roulette wheel! I have had four kids, who are all grown now and currently out in the world screwing up on their own. However, my kids did bless me with a boatload of precious money grubbing grandkids, that I wouldn’t swap for anything without just cause. Some of my elder relatives are still alive and doing well, even though several of them still think it’s WW II! Many of my older in-laws are still alive, but I’m patience.

    My life has truly been about those that I have loved and sadly, those that I have hurt along the way. I can’t say that I would have lived differently, if given the chance, but I would have cherished each and every day a lot more. Some day, the memory of me will be nothing more than an old photograph tossed in some old incinerator, so let me wrap up this wandering blog with this final scrip about my life……Every morning has a gala opening and every night a grand finale……and it was nice to have been the star!

                                                                                                                                                               “Good night Gracie….”

      WELCOME TO MY EMPIRE

    There was once a mighty emperor that was abscessed with power and worldly vanity. Great was his empire and his people populated this vast domain like chicken feathers at a ‘Purdue’ poultry plant. But, his people were poor and often became a nuisance while begging for rice and electronics. The great Emperor soon summoned his advisors and servile lackeys. “What must be done to solve these problems?” he commanded. “The people must work so that they can buy rice and have electronics.” The advisors stood around in their resplendent uniforms garnished with great quantities of non-war medals and stared at the floor.

    “Have a parade?” advised an advisor.

    “Parades cost yuans,” retorted an elder officer holding an abacus.

    “Build more factories so the people can build more tractors,” suggested a dorkie assistant dressed in his plain green uniform.

    “We have too many tractors now and too many empty factories,” bellowed the mighty Emperor. “Find me solutions before the ‘hour of the Goat‘, this Wednesday afternoon, or else!”

    Much to do was made of the great Emperor’s demands. Spy submarines and observation balloons were sent out….secret agents in thousands of buffet restaurants across America were sent coded fortune cookies. The question was simple….”How to make the Emperor rich and decadent.”

    Long blog made short….an ambassador, named, Justa Weasel, came to the great Emperor from the Kingdom of NIKE and hatched a deal. Weasel informed his greatness, that for the cost of one Yankee union worker, the Emperor could hire four of his own workers! Work them 12 hours a day, six days a week and shoot those that were late for work. NIKE would supply materials from Korea, equipment and machinery from Japan and Mexico to fill the Emperor’s empty factories and finally, advisers and trainers from America.

    Quickly, the alliance was struck and within a few years the Emperor’s empire was shoeing most of the NBA and South Compton. Then there were the short lived Puma and Adidas wars which quickly ended in the Emperor’s favor. The Emperors surplus tractors were then shipped to Saltillo, Mexico where they were painted green and then sold to the U.S. as John Deeres.

    Soon the Emperor’s empire controlled the wave and surge of world commerce. In time, all of mankind will slave for the Emperor….beg for rice….and still pay $129, (726 yuan), for their cool shoes.

Humans are unique beyond all living creatures….no one has been able to put it into words, but maybe this video will help.

                                              TO LIVE!