May 14, 2013

  • The Good….The Bad….and The Ugly of Marriage!!!

        

     

    No man should ever marry until he has studied the female anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

          A long marriage can be one of two things. A mutual punishment of cerebral anguish, or a heart thumping love affair. A long marriage starts out like a safari into the steaming jungles of lust and then evolves into the realm of, “Chicken again tonight?” All marriages revolve, twist, gyrate and splatter like a middle age pole dancer. One morning you’re in the bathroom shaving and your bride comes in and takes a dump…..that’s when you know the honeymoon’s over. Amazing when I think back to that time, that I was 20 years old before I found out that women farted just like men, but not as well.

         As the nuptial years slough by, you soon adjust, modify and cope with each other. You learn that neither one of you is perfect, as she will often explain to you while you shave. You accept the fact that her mom is a goddess and your own poor old mom is the witch that poisoned Snow White. Her brother is the smartest man ever to graduate high school at the age of 21 and once he gets his parole, he’s going to veterinarian school for wilderness animals like squirrels and moose. Having in-laws is a lot like catching gonorrhea after having great sex.

         The years pass and during their midlife debacle, he loses hair, gets a beer gut while her boobs become part of her waistline and her butt takes on new dimensions. At heart, they still feel attractive and the more their aging eyesight diminishes and the elastic holds out, the more they feel irresistible. Now they start to argue a lot. Angry words are spouted out like…..hate, miserable, useless, dickless, asshole, stupid, loser and chainsaw! No one is ever right, only wrong. They go to a marriage counselor, but in reality, most are as useless as a three legged turtle. They finally realize that to survive with each other they must admit when they’re wrong and they need to always compromise…..on everything! Of course this is a friggin fantasy, so they just get divorced and the guy loses his ass and she gets liposuction.

         Their evolutionary clocks are ticking, so they hurry and find their next ‘real’ soul mate…..usually during happy hour in some local bar. Regardless…..they remarry and attempt to avoid all the screw ups they had with their first marriage. In many cases, it works! Now, with a new mate, they journey into their senior years together. The years go by and it’s a mellower time now and their favorite topics are the grandkids and bowel movements. They may disagree from time to time, but considering all the medications they’re on by the time they reach 65, they seldom remember why they’re arguing. There is still a lot of hot sex, but it occurs during REM sleep in the middle of the night while they dream about reality show bimbos and hunks.

         So, if you get the urge to get married and you get a good spouse, then you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, then you’ll become a philosopher. Anyway, most of you reading this will know I’m only being humorous. But, for those few who believe what I’m saying…..live well grasshoppers.

                                                                                                                                                                               Charlie

     

     

     

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