Friday, 03 August 2012
SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE
As you get older, life affords you a multitude of quiet moments for reflecting, contemplating, analyzing and taking naps. During the 65 solar orbits of my existence, I have mentally regurgitated a number of truisms and absolutes. I wish to share, the crust of them for you now;
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be, to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally regret all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died and what he was doing at the time .
9. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my butt cheeks everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds,
10. Bad decisions make damn good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a certain moment at work, when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to restart my friggin collection.….again!
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page blog that I swear I did not make any changes to start with.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will have to go down and wash my clothes in the creek??
15. I hate it when I just miss a call by the last ring, but worst when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What the hell did they do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the fridge should record the number of times it's opened each day and show it on a big electronic display.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than with Kay.
20. I wish Map Quest had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not remember what damn time it is.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. Even under ideal conditions, people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my butt cheeks everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There's no worse feeling that you’re going to die, than during that millisecond after leaning your chair back a little too far.