Friday, 07 September 2012
PLEASE DON'T PROBE ME!!!!
March 16, 1993.…was the date I was abducted by aliens. First off, I resent some of the smirky smiles and gargling throat sounds many of you are making right now as you read this. But, let me first tell of my ordeal before you become skeptical.
As I stated, I was abducted back in 1993. I was leaving Sassy’s Bump and Grind social club around 2 am. One of the club’s associates had slapped me in a misunderstanding over the placement of a one dollar bill, and during that altercation, my glasses were rendered obsolete. In the back parking lot, while I was trying to figure out my key-chain, a bright light exploded over my entire body and totally blinded me. I stood frozen and was knee knocking terrified. Thank goodness I was blessed with the forethought of going to the restroom before I left Sassy’s. Then a deep and hollow voice came out of the brilliant glow. “You been drinking tonight sir?” Strange question. Why did the voice want to know that? “Do you understand me sir?” I felt cornered and bewildered by the questioning. Then I finally opened my mouth and with trembling lips I responded.
“What planet you boys from?” That’s when the aliens seized me and within moments I was harnessed and extracted into their craft. I sat in some strange and dark environment that smelled like the bottom of a mortician’s trash can. I was blind without my spectacles, and could barely make out the gyrating movements of my captors. I was, however, able to detect the hideous head on one of them. It was huge! Wide and circular at the top and lumpy around it’s wide neck. My abductor spoke in a strange gibberish of static and clicks. Then there was silence as the craft ascended carrying me most likely to the mother ship.
During the trip, I must have been zapped with a stun ray, as I woke later with my face buried in the foul smelling seat of the shuttle craft. Powerful appendages then seized my arms and I was extracted from the craft. I was soon dragged into the brilliant glare of the mother ship where I could hear multiple languages of other poor abductees. I was quickly taken to a cold chamber where I was disrobed and handled like I was in one of my fantasies. I was then fitted with an orange gravity flight suit and once again dragged to another part of the ship where I was tossed onto a padded examination platform. I heard the clang and click of metal, which told me the aliens were preparing their probing instruments. Across from me I could make out, in a visual blur, a very large alien seating and staring at me. This most likely was to be my dreaded examiner! The creature rose up and came towards me speaking in it’s galactic tongue....“Yo, sweeeeeet tang.” Then I was probed!
The next ten hours were a mixed confusion of disjointed events. Strange cries of “Who’s ya daddy?” and me screaming and throwing up. Then, in the morning, I awoke to find that the police had rescued me and when I told the judge of my experience, I was placed in the security ward of St. Glock hospital for observation. Time has long passed now and I no longer relate my tale to anyone, for fear of stronger medications. But, as strange as it is, I now get these romantic and chilling emails from some inmate in the slammer named ‘Big Daddy Klingon’.