Saturday, 08 September 2012
FIRST AK 47's....NOW LAWNMOVERS!
My lawn mower died this weekend. Strange how we equate objects to mortality. Our car died, the garbage disposal went kaflooey, we deep sixed the a/c unit, granny’s heart monitor went kaput and the vibrator fizzled out. Seems nothing ever breaks anymore. Facing reality is hard and closer is more so….back to my lawnmower. John Deere passed away while I was cutting along the bed of Wifey’s rare Tibetan Walrus lilies. There was a cough, sputter and finally a terminal gasp. I tried resuscitating with the pull cord, but, even full of gas, it was no use. It was over. John Deere had been an important part of my estate and now I planned on giving it a proper send off at our next yard sale.
My son-in-law drove by and noticed that the lawn was only half finished so he stopped in to see if I had suffered a coronary and needed a probate lawyer. I explained my dilemma and he immediately offered to go purchase me a new one with the aid of my credit card. Instead, I gave him cash, (money and in-laws don’t mix), and with the limited funds he went to Home Depot and purchased me a new lawnmower with the hopes of borrowing on multiple occasions. He returned with what was called a SUPOW. It was a name I had heard before on an episode of Power Rangers, I think, and that concerned me.
He helped me to remove it from it’s thick cardboard box. It was in multiple segments and there were also eight assorted bags containing nuts and bolts, wires, instructions, shiny screws, plastic stuff and what looked like someone’s lunch of Ramen noodles. We laid everything out and then spent the next few minutes looking for the Americanese version of the instructions. Several of the words were misspelled and the grammatical structure was worse than a high school senior’s.
Okay, I know what ya thinking....Chinese made....right? Well, it was packing a good old fashion 4-stroke BRIGGS&STRATTON 850 OHV engine!! Most all the lawn equipment I’d ever had was powered by this classic Minnesota made engine. So, what if the plastic wheels were slave produced….so what?
My son-in-jerk was reading the directions while I did the grunt work. At one point, he looked around at all the parts spread out on the garage floor and asked me did I see any kind of chain? I said no and what in the world did a lawnmower need a friggin chain for. He told me that the info literature for the BRIGGS&STRATTON 850 OHV engine mentioned “the Chain”. I took the sheet of paper from his spotless hands and read for myself……This engine manufactured and assembled in ‘Zhe-jiang‘, China! “It says Zhe-jiang numb nuts, not the chain !!” The entire friggin mower was made in some slave camp in the desolate interior of some forbidden forest in Zhe-jiang friggin China!!! BRIGGS&STRATTON had gone over to the other side!!
I had my son-in-dork pack up the Commie lawnmower and return it to Home Depot. I told him to explain to the store’s commissar that I was a war vet and that the lawnmower was causing me to have flashbacks. “But it was made in China, not Vietnam,” replied my son-in-twit. I then explained that I had been part of a Commando-Operative-Battalion, (better known as a COB). Some of our missions had been covert and that was all I had to say on the matter, other than telling him not to divulge my address to Home Depot, which obviously was a Red Cell.
I now pay this Spanish guy to cut my grass. I was willing to pay my son-in-turd to do it, but he said he was having some problems with his cartilage, and couldn’t do it. Anyway, my yard looks great, but any day now I expect an assault team from either the FBI….ICE….DEA….or Homeland security to jump through my picture window screaming.......“USTED ES ARRESTADO!!!”
This rant was based on a true event. Some terms, facts and complete thoughts were bastardized by me to hold the interest of those who may have accidentally stumbled onto my humble site and to prevent any comatose boredom……..Charlie