Sunday, 09 September 2012
LIFE CAN BE THE PITS
Have you ever stepped onto an elevator full of people and a moment after the door closes you pick up a faint odious disturbance in the atmosphere? Then by the third floor you’re convinced that someone had a dead squirrel in their pocket or purse? Or maybe you stood in one of those long lines at the amusement park during the summer and after a few minutes you detect the presence of an atrophied zombie? Yep….odorous persona! Better known as BO.
This is the real world and in the real world all creatures smell. From fish to whales….mice to elephants….preachers to politicians. We all have our odors and on occasion those odors can cause havoc within our zones of influence. We can stink! Our Mom’s bathed and wash our little tushes until we reached an age when we wouldn’t drown in the tub and even then they continued to supervise the procedure. In the military, you learn from the first day of boot camp that hygiene is of utmost importance. Most likely to prevent giving away your position to the enemy or from being shot by the guy you share your tent with. Like caring parents, they instructed you in the use of soap, toothpaste, toilet tissue and foot powder.
In the real world of adults, we are expected not to stink at work. ‘A showered employee is a good employee.’ We may spend our work day in an obscure cubical or on the sales floor of a dynamic department store and it is expected of us not to leave a vapor trail whenever we walk by anyone. Perfumes and male colognes only offer a temporary mask to the offensive affliction and sometimes even these can produce torturous tears.
I have always felt that next to all public restrooms, there should be pubic showers. Modeled on the principle of today’s car washes; you strip….step into a booth….you’re hosed down and then soaped up….non-erotic brushes engage and scrub your corpus magnum….then you’re hosed down….disinfected and finally blown dry. Total time: 5 minutes, less time than taking a dump. (Feminine application, $2 extra).
I know what you’re all thinking….how do I come up with these ideas and why am I not a billionaire? I’m just doing this as a service to humankind in an effort to eradicate the heartbreak of body stench and sour pits. It seems that some of my best ideas come to me after my noon medications.