Thursday, 11 October 2012
TIME FOR A CHANGE
There are great mysteries and hidden terrors in this world. Big Foots, dragons, vampires, space aliens, werewolves and menopausal women. All of these are truly mysterious and frightening. My blog is about the scariest.
The first woman to ‘go through the change’, lived about 20,000 years ago as a priestess witch on the Polynesian island of Pause. She was so greatly feared by the warrior natives, that they sacrificed virgin wahines to the great volcano god, Estrogenii each year to placate the witch and to prevent her from decimating the young men of Pause. One day, the men of Pause gathered together to do away with the demoness. They bound her and then carried her up the side of the mighty volcano and once they reached the edge of the suffocating abyss, they tossed the old witch in. Suddenly, she was gone in a hot flash! But, the instant before she vaporized, she screamed out a curse….. “You men will suffer in your aged days….as wives become witches and their minds will daze….this curse will change their life to ash….and you will suffer the witch’s hot flash.”
That’s the history of it. Now the reality of it. Women have continued to suffer the curse to this very day and men have become the sacrifice.
I remember the day well. Wifey and I went to bed one night and during that sleep cycle, she woke up and began to tear through her human skin to be reborn as Wifezilla!! Her eyes turned pudding yellow and her teeth looked like a lumberjack’s rip saw. Her nose holes extruded a green bubbly substance that gave off a steaming vapor. Her precious hands were now deformed into anemic bear claws and she now had the skin of a dying salmon after dumping it’s eggs. She only emitted low growls and grunts, much like the patrons of a smorgasbord restaurant. If not for my nightly dose of Ambien, I would have had to experienced this transformation in all it’s spectacular eruption along with the cacophony of hoots, cackles, and wails!
When the first rays of the morning sun slithered into our bedroom, my wife had slipped back into her now wrinkled and loose fitting skin and appeared to be somewhat normal, except for the eyes. When I got up from bed to visit the poopie room, I asked her what was for breakfast. She told me we were having a sizzling platter of my entrails topped with my useless reproductive organs and did I want toast with it? I knew something was not quite right as she didn‘t mention coffee. Anyway, I knew her to have a pleasant sense of humor and just let it go by.
I showered and shaved and then committed a few extra moments to work on my comb over. I then walked back into the bedroom only to find my sweetie pie was still in bed. The covers had been flung to the floor and she now laid there perspiring like an elephant in an attic. She then stared at me with those pudding eyes and within moments I started to cry. I knew I had done something terribly wrong and was now going to paid hell for it. My mind was racing to think of what recent predicament I was going to be chewed out about. “Everything okay, honey?” I whispered.
“Curse your gizzard to the boiling slime pits of hell, you man-goat!” she croaked.
I had always had a great appreciation of my wife’s natural talent for talking dirty during those delicate moments when I usually needed my libido boosted….but this was different. “Having one of your migraines, hon?” I gently asked. Well, I’m not sure exactly what she said then, but it caused me to tremble and my bladder to constrict.
Now….I found menopause to be an unnerving and confusing time. What I eventually learned, was that menopause is no minor thing unless you’re a whale or an ameba. It has the power to make a woman laugh or cry and sometimes do both at once. They also have to be careful about sneezing too hard unless they have spare underwear, but most of the time they won’t care. To me, Wifey had always been my Snow White, but now there were the “Seven Dwarfs of Menopause”….Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful, and All-Dried-Up. The hot flashes are a real problem and they can be very unsettling for many women. If scientists ever find a cure for menopause, I truly believe global warming will end. There is humor in all this and when the proper medications are prescribed or confinement is adequate, then most couples can relax and share a few laughs….maybe.
There was one issue that was difficult to overcome. She had became very critical and belligerent of my intelligence and common sense. She started to think that maybe I was a little whacked and needed some professional help in understanding her exotic needs. Fact was, why go to a psychiatrist who would give me expensive answers that wifey would give me for free? But, that’s okay. She’s in good working order now and the worst is far behind us. The only thing left that still reminds me of those rough times….is the seam running up her back where her skin pealed off that first time.