December 24, 2011

• How I’m Spending Christmas Eve….

   

   

   

  Well, it’s time to breakup the Elves coco break and get the sleigh packed. Coffee thermos, Vicks Rub, NoDoz, GPS, pocket full of gummy deers, four changes of Depends and finally my iPod with the entire collection of Bruce Springsteen tunes. With just a few moments before liftoff, the reindeer are wired and stoked on Red Bull. My shop foreman, Elf second class Snogwilly, comes running up to me with an additional bag of loot. He tells me these are the magical tree ornaments for all the special children this year plus a vial of Chickenpox virus for the others. I fill all my pockets with the magic ornaments and then toss the empty bag and vial of virus out in the snow. I take a dip of Copenhagen, blow my nose, tighten my seat belt and then I whistle and shout; “Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen! To the top of the Artic! To the top of the world! Now dash away! dash away! get on the ball!” The spooked team of flyers took off like Wifey Claus’s relatives after Sunday dinner. I figured I’d run down south along the eastern seaboard slope of North America, cut down around the southern tip of Brazil and back up the western fringe of the Americas until I cruise into Alaska. Should take about 45 metric minutes and then I’ll cross the Beren Straits into Russia. I’ll then trek southward down the Asian continent avoiding North Korea because of a death in the family. The boys will keep pulling the sleigh until I do a fly-about around Australia and then west to the African continent and up into the Middle East where I’ll drop off a ton of coal and just bypass Iran and watch for missiles. I will then be into my eighth hour of deer wrangling and will take an extended hay stop in Italy where I’ll really be welcomed, being a saint and all. Soon enough, me and the sleigh haulers will be off and crossing Europe dodging snow fronts and socialism. The reindeer will relieve themselves over France before making our way across the English Channel into the British Isles. Then a stopover to fill the Queen’s stockings and then a few minutes to have Tea and Scones with a couple of the Coldstream Guards on Christmas eve duty. Then I’m bloody well off. Time has flown by now and with only a short time before the ‘Christmas sunrise’. We’ll leap from Iceland and spend a few precious minutes in Greenland so the boys can strut their antlers with some of the local does. But now the time has come for the finale of the trip…..Canada! I make my visits to all the isolated cabins and bars in Ontario till I finally come to the last child on my list. She had been scratched off several times with my ’naughty pencil’, but she always ends up redeeming herself with her love and unselfish caring for others. I crawl in through the basement window because she has a habit of keeping the friggin fireplace blazing all Christmas eve and I don’t want to roast my new Wolverine boots. Up the basement steps I sneak, down the hallway lined with graffiti and finally into the living room where a beautiful forest tree stands decorated and full of charm and holiday twinkle. I notice there’s no damn fire in the hearth this year. First, I look around for some fresh cookies and milk, but only find half a box of chocolate covered cherries….not even the good syrupy ones. I bend over and open my mostly deflated gift sack and a moment of panic runs over me. The little kitten I was bringing her this year was not there!! Then I remember….I had left it with the other cats in Beijing. Maybe next year. I did have the wind up Brad Pitt doll she wrote me about and the schnapps flavored Play-Doh. But there’s something else I need to leave but I’m getting too tired to focus. I step back and I’m trying to think outside the gift box for a moment and now I remember! Reaching into my side pocket I take out the special ornament and smile. I hang it on the tree and then give a short holiday blessing. I use the chimney this time to get out and once on top of the house, I realize I parked the damn sleigh on the ground next to the basement window. Laying my finger aside of my nose and giving a nod, I slipped off the roof and landed on top of Prancer. “I sprung to my sleigh, to my team gave a whistle, And away they all flew, like the down of a thistle: But I did exclaim, ere I drove out of sight Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night”

   

  • 12:27 pm
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