May 8, 2012
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Big MONA…..my son’s Viking girlfriend.
MONAIn every family there are a few genetic flaws. As to my gene pool, superheroes and NFL quarterbacks are extracted As to my wife’s murky pool, there appears to be a few weak timbers. Speaking of our youngest son, a few years ago, when he was 25, he had a girlfriend named Mona. This was a strange name for a women nowadays, but so is Godzilla, which was just as apropos in this case. Anyway….my son and Mona were living together in sin. Not the kind of sin that is an affront to God, but the sin of keeping an endangered species in a domestic environment. Mona was this species, but I felt my son was the endangered one. You see, Mona was….large. Not fat. Same way rhinoceros are not fat….just large. Not saying she looked like a rhino, cause I don’t want to offend anybody out there who owns a small zoo. She was the kind of large that made you fear her in confined places.
My wife and I did a lot of smiling during their visits and Mom went out of her way to be friendly and to entertain, even as her bowels knotted up. I just drank beer. My son appeared to be happy, but his eyes were those of a tortured soul. Our Sunday dinners were popular with Mona and they often came early in the event there had been a time change which would have caused them to be late. Mona always brought a dessert, fresh from the local 7-11 frozen food case. Mom always fixed wonderful Sunday dinners and everybody got their fill. Mona always prompted our son to do the doggy bag thing with the leftover’s. My wife would always fill her nice Tupperware containers with whatever was left over and then pour extra gravy over all of it for Mona. The Tupperware would then go out the front door and disappear forever into the container triangle.
We had them over for Christmas Eve that year, just long enough to swap gifts and have a drink which was just a continuation of the other 6 drinks Mom had belted down before they got there. Mona had a colorful Christmas sweater on, adorned with an abominable snowmen chasing a rabid reindeer, and she also had jeans on that made her butt look like a set of truck tires ready to burst. Mona was looking her best and had even been to the beauty shop that day and had her hair overhauled. It did look nice, according to Viking standards. For Christmas, our son had given her a fancy new cell phone, and later, Wifey said she guessed Mona could now keep track of when the next aircraft carrier was docking and unloading it’s crew. He also gave her a silver necklace, which I thought harmed werewolves. Mona gave him something brown from Big Lots, I think.
Mona said she was going to be a X-ray tech as soon as she finished her courses….I guess welding school didn’t work out. They said they had plans for New Years to go to a nice club in Tampa. Most likely I’d see them on “Cops” that Wednesday night. Anyway…..we wished them a happy holiday and luck in the coming year and as they left I could hear all the dogs in the neighborhood start barking. I really feel bad saying all these things about Mona, but, it’s such a pain in the ass to delete a blog and then start over again, so I’m just going to make myself live with it and go to confession right after “Cops” this Wednesday night…
Comments (4)
You are the funniest man in all the land. I will see you in hell. I have a table reserved with bottomless mugs of luke warm PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon, in case you did not know). Great blog.
@queenie -
Nectar of the gods!
@UncCharlie - oh for heavans sakes, half of my friends don’t know what PBR means and the other half live in the middle of the USA. Go figure.
Oh man I understand this. My son brought one home we lovingly referred to as “howling wolf” behind his and her back. Our biggest worry was that he would marry her and have children. Thank God that never happened and she disappeared back into the wilderness where he found her.
Later I asked him if he had been drinking during his relationship with her. He didn”t get it. I blame that on his dad:)