May 13, 2012

• TAKE IT LIKE A MAN….first prostate exam

  TAKE IT LIKE A MAN!         There are three Pinnacle events in a man’s life that tops all others. The first is when he jettisons his virginity. The second is his first prostate examination and the third evolves rigor mortis. I wish to discuss the second and most grueling event, which involves the sacred prostrate.     The gland known as the prostate….(from the Greek prohistani….guardian of the bladder), is located within the nether regions of the male anatomy. In a male’s lifetime, this is usually the last functioning organ he ever has to worry about, because the warranty usually doesn’t run out until he’s in his fifties. The function of this obscure organ is to produce a secretion which provides nutrition for sperm, and therefore preventing the male from firing blanks. It is adequate enough to say that a male in this fifties could care less about the starvation of the little squiggles, but, there is a side effect! When it comes time to answer nature’s call to the privy….the plumbing tends to fail ya! Your once great and marvelous mahatma, is nothing more than a leaking faucet!     You now come to terms with the fact that there’s a problem and therefore you need to tell your doctor that your aqueduct is failing. In his office, he listens and shakes his wise old head with concerning thought. Then he says those dreaded words…..“Drop your pants, turn around and bend over.” Your natural reaction is to say “why?” but, it’s obvious why. There is only one accessible point of entry to exam the prostate and it involves violating one of your spinsters! As you obediently turn around and drop-trou, you can’t help but pity all those young men sent to prison for the first time. You hear the sobering sound of a latex glove being snapped on and you pray he’s removed that huge ring with the horse head on it. “Bend over and breath deep,” he says, much like the executioner said to Mary Queen of Scotts. Then I’m examined. It would have been beneficial for me if I had the forethought and had invited my Optometrist to be there. He could have examined my eyes, as they were bugging out of my friggin head, as the proctologist started mining my colon!     The examination is quickly concluded and within moments, my voice has descended several octaves to normal again. He tells me that I have an enlarged prostate and that it is normal for a man my age, and also he found a pair of old thongs I had lost two years ago. He prescribes medication and as I’m leaving, I make sure to shake his hand and verify that his ring is not missing.     I know this is just part of life and the ordeal of it does not compare to that of going to a gynecologist for the first time……but…….do women ever worry about their GYN losing their jewelry too?

   

     

  • 10:16 pm
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