June 3, 2012

• If God Was A She….

  
   

           What if God was a She-God?

  Okay…..I know, I know……God has no sex, so with that said, back to my blog;

  
  IT IS WRITTEN: The omnipotent She-God created and decorated the Garden of Eden and exclaimed, “This is a good thing.”  So the She-God would have someone to gossip with, she also created Eve and likewise said, “This is a good thing.” But in time, Eve talked so much that She-God hardly had time to create, so She-God created Adeline to keep Eve company and out of her hair and She-God said, “This is a good thing, but one thing, girls,” said She-God. “Don’t eat of the  ‘forbidden fruit’.”

      “You talking about the fig tree?“ asked Adeline. 

      “Don’t mess with me,“ rebuked She-God to Adeline. “You know I mean the apple tree and that goes for you too Eve.” Well, the first problem would be that nobody is going to tell a woman what she can or cannot eat! There was no cake or Haagen Dazs or chocolate or fast food in this perfect garden and now someone’s going to say NO to a friggin apple?!!  Don’t think so. Okay, so the two wood nymphs ate half the apples and most likely made jelly with the rest. 

      The side effect of their actions was now they saw themselves naked. Now, the jealousy started up.  “Like, I’m getting so fat, why did you let me eat all that jelly??? You are a total Bi*ch!”, said Eve.

      “Look whose talking,” answered Adeline. “Miss Piggy with the buffalo butt!” Listening to the bitching and whining of the two Garden bimbos aggravated She-God. Then She-God had an idea!

      “Let there be a mall,” declared She-God, and it was done and She-God said, “This is a good thing.” So, it may sound strange to visualize a mall inside the Garden of Eden, but how many times have you walked into a new mall for the first time and said….”Holy crap! This is paradise!”

      She-God created she-clerks and she-managers and she-security and she-shoppers, etc. After a while all the she-workers got together and formed she-unions and had very loud meetings and strikes were called and the she-strikers carried signs that said.…‘SHE-GOD NOT FAIR TO SHE-UNIONS‘.  She-God got pissed and then created 40 days and forty nights of PMS. The mall was then devoid of sales and current fashions. The food court ran out of pasta and salad and Starbucks no longer had cappuccino. The Garden of Eden was in lock-down!

      But, the she’s were not subdued and still they rose up in agitated and frustrated masses. She-God now saw their need and from deep within the great Garden of Eden, She-God brought forth an orangutan. She took the simple beast and shaved it’s fur off and fed it Viagra and commanded it to seek out beings with multiple orifices. This, She-God called “he” ……and this too was a good thing. She-God then sent it forth to wander in the mall. The she’s fell upon the creation with glee and gluttony. Soon the she’s demanded more “he’s” so to fix plumbing and buff mall floors and take away trash. But, She-God had creating to do elsewhere, so She-God commanded they create their own “he’s” and they did so in abundance and they all said it was a really, really good thing.  In time, the Garden of Eden was overrun with she’s and he’s and She-God had to stop working on Mars and Venus and stay proactive in Eden. This was not a good thing. She-God had planned to put the she’s on Venus and the he’s on Mars, but now those plans had to be put off until the end of 2012.…. 

      There is another scenario that involves Adam and Andy, but that’s for another day.

  DISCLAIMER:

      This little blog was fiction and NOT intended to become the core or foundation for a following or cult. All references to deities was solely created for entertainment purposes and in no way reflects the writers ideology or philosophy. Thank you and may the She-God bless your harvest.

   

   

   

  

   

  • 4:03 pm
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