July 5, 2012

• Never….EVER….argue with a woman!!!!!

      #@%*?&^+!!!

   

   

      Women are very sensitive and emotionally defensive. I have learned this and a great deal more over many years of domestic warfare and kamikaze alibis‘.  Men have been ignorant to the ways of women because we have always believed that our male, Neanderthal ancestors, had made all the rules. In time, the male finally grew to realize that men and women are very similar, except in the concept of arguing. They soon realized, also, that no one’s perfect in this world and that we all have our shortcomings and faults which often serve as the catalyst of most arguments. In fact, women have a humongous amount of faults whereas men generally only have two: Everything we say and everything we do.

      Women were made to argue. They will argue with a TV reality show, their boyfriends, husbands, inanimate objects, each other and their clothes. Women that argue with each other do it silently with dagger like laser stares. I once saw this when a female clerk in the dress department of Sears indicated that Wifey should consider a larger size and Wifey quietly told her she was mistaken, whereas the clerk retorted with,  “Maybe even two sizes larger.” The silent stare that was exchanged between them caused my bladder to ache and the candles in ‘Home Accessories’, to melt.

      When you’re a young married couple, arguments are mostly about jealousy, money, and who’s in charge.  Jealousy accounts for the most ER visits and tends to be recycled for many decades. Money arguments are usually resolved in the bedroom, where the man is often outmaneuvered and left in a whimpering heap to take a nap. Who’s the head of the household varies from one couple to another, but the basic premise has always been the same; marriage should be, ‘when a man and woman become as one’. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. My wife has always given me the decisions I make and it has worked well for us.

      Sometimes, after I come home from a long session of consoling a friend at HOOTERS over a domestic problem, I will come in and give Wifey a kiss and that kiss will be symbolic of two prizefighters shaking hands before the bell. There are two times when a man should not drink and argue with a woman….before marriage and after. It’s like a boxing tournament….the wife takes the part of the fight commissioner and makes all the rules….she controls the bell and decides the time limit for each round….and she’s the referee who decides when you’ve had enough….after maybe 30 rounds. Then you crawl back to your corner and lick your chauvinistic wounds.

      The aftermath of an argument is often a testy time. Women will often behave like cats….they may quietly prowl by and give you a gentle nudge, or just stop and scratch your eyes out. Best to always be on your guard for latent retaliations and employing a food taster is recommended. I truly believe that the happiness and most argument free marriage would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman….with large breast.

      Bottom-line is; we do dearly love them and should not jeopardize that love by trying to understand them. In romance novels, no matter how much a woman loves a man, it still gives her a glow to see him commit suicide for her. In real life, the simple act of lifting the toilet seat will suffice.

   

  • 7:01 pm
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