July 6, 2012
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You have one week to live….what will you do??
THE PARTY’S OVERIf my doctor were to say….“Charlie, I warned you about snorting Viagra, now you only have one week to live before rigor mortis sets in.” What will I do in my final week?? I can forget the family, they’ll be too busy putting their name tags on all my damn stuff. So my dilemma is, what will I do in this short allotment of time? Nothing large or too complicated….but, it must be unique! As I figure it, I could accomplish three projects before they fire up the oven at Grace Gardens.
First….I would tell Wifey to go out and buy a complete wardrobe with a plethora of goofy shoes and underwear. Then, after she catches her breath, she can also buy each of the grand kids one of those PlayStation thing-a-ma-jigs! After all that aggressive shopping, I would insist that she schedule herself for a trip to the Spa for a complete overhaul from that fruity masseur that runs the place. Then after that, she should quick time it to the beauty parlor for the mega-works and if she wants to come home looking like Lady Gaga….well , that’s just fine. I would also tell her not to worry about maxing out the friggin credit cards and just enjoy herself. Once she was on her shopping quest, I would order a large rubber stamp from Kinkos saying, DECEASED-RETURN TO SENDER. This would be for my executor to use on the credit card bills once they start to avalanche in.
Second….I think I would enjoy letting my five grandkids shave my head, (and then theirs) and then I’d take them all to the beach so they could take pics of old granddad in his new thong.
Third….last of all, I’d spend a day on the phone calling all my in-laws and telling them of my impending demise and that, out of love, I’d be sending them each a check for ten thousand dollars this week from my estate….then, of course, I wouldn’t do it!
During my seven day quest, I will start each day at IHOP, having their Kamikaze Breakfast of half a pound of bacon, six sausage links and a Godzilla stack of blueberry pancakes with cream cheese stuffing and topped off with a six inch dome of whipped cream. Vanilla milkshake on the side. Then for lunch and dinner, each and every day, I will go to HOOTERS and have the thirty hot wing special with onion rings and of course two pitchers of beer. I will use takeout for the Caramel Fudge Cheesecake.
On the seventh day, with all these task completed, I will still have one closing act, shortly before they bag me up. I will stack all my surround sound speakers and such in all the front windows of the house and then put in several CD’s of my old buddies, the Rolling Stones, and then crank up the volume to sonic level. Then I will set up a lawn chair in my front yard, facing my asshole neighbor who raises friggin chickens, and then stretch out naked……and peacefully expire.
I really do believe that life can be pleasant and it can also be said that death
may very well be peaceful….but, it’s the transition that bothers the shit out of me!.
Comments (17)
i’ll hope it happens to be the week we set the clocks back one hour.
what a way to go.
@TheSutraDude - Now that complicates things….
This was funny and sad too! Great post.
Just read your novel this weekend……it was soooo sad, but I loved every page of it! Are you writing anything now?
I always said I want to die drunk or sober but never ever with a hangover or detoxing.
@Terri_du - You’re very kind, thank you. I’ve got a new book coming out in Sept from Blub Press.
welll, damn. if I didn’t the food part of that lord I’d not get even a day! I’d get a lot more naps in that week
mmmmm sugar ! wiiinnnnnnngs with eye candy!. and why is it you want to moon everyone-?
@runisom48 - Sounds very Hemingwayish
@starmanjones - The mooning would be my way of saying….”seeee ya!”
@UncCharlie - you will understand this four eyed pleasure of neartotal blindness called /oo/
@TheSutraDude - LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!1
@BenelliMan -
@UncCharlie - yes but there’s nothing like cheating death out of an hour
Look man, I don’t know you very well, but please… please do not die any time soon.
Not because we’re friends, and I’d miss you, although I’m sure once I get to know you I will….
It’s just that. I’m a born and raised beach guy and I really don’t want to see you in a thong!
@IntoTheWind1 - Seems you and Wifey have the same attitude……
Like you it is not the destination which worries me, it is the trip. But something tells me the trip will be so quick it will be walking through a doorway. If we have been able to muddle through this life for as many years as we have, we can probably handle anything that comes at us.
As for my week, One day with my youngest son and his wife and sons, One day with my eldest son…hopefully alone and try one last time to erase the undeclared friction between us, Take my husband to Jackson Hole, Wyoming (he has never seen a mountain) and another day in Old Quebec Canada and the last three days at a park or lake nearby and talk without words as we sometimes do, not disturbing the sunrise, or the sunset or the, hopefully, clouds in the sky.
@mommachatter - Well spent week, dear friend.