July 17, 2012

• What Were You In Another Life??

   

   

   

  WHERE THE CRAP AM I?

   

   

  OK…..HERE’S THE SCENARIO.

      I’m coming out of Radio Shack and I’m answering a text message sent from my new Moroccan friend on Facebook. I have a load of packages that I purchased with my Visa card, which caused it to max-out which was my intention because I plan to file for bankruptcy as soon as I and the ‘old lady’ get back from our Alaskan cruise next week. I grunt something to a passing skate boarder and then I step off the curb and a FedEx truck ploughs into me on it’s way to Office Depot. I die.

    wake in a smoky haze. I feel fine. Actually, I feel wonderful! I get to my feet without having to roll over on my knees first which is something I have not been able to do in years. I look around and something’s not right. I’m not in the mall parking lot anymore as there are no cars around. Just a few horses and a couple of catapults. CATAPULTS!!!

      Yep…..This is the here after! A few details are in order. Life will only advance to the year 2012. All those that pass on before then will have their ‘Hoodaha’, (spirit) sent back and recycled to another lifetime. If you were good and fair in this current life, you might go back as a noble or maybe great artist, but more realistically, you would end up as a skinny hard working member of a farming family that loses one of their offspring annually. People that really sucked in this life would, in all likelihood, end up further back in time with a name like Ogg, and they would spend their pitiful days running from furry rhinoceros.

  OK..…..back to me;

      I feel different, but at the same time normal. Then I figure it out. That different feeling is not feeling my arthritis, being out of breath and wanting to take a nap. I feel great. A large and dirty fellow in armor with a big sword hollers at me and points towards the mall. I look around and notice the mall looks like a castle now. Then, in a panic, I quickly look down at the area around my feet and started yelling…..”Where’s my damn packages?” At that moment an arrow nips off a small tip of my ear and my brain recalibrates priorities and I fall to the ground.

      Soon I’m yanked up by some guy named Lextar the Bull and handed a heavy rusty sword almost as tall as me. I join some other dudes, who are running pass, as I hope this was the direction of a retreat. To my dismay, it was the charge. I had a lumber sized sword and figured ‘what the hell’ , so I stayed close to the middle of the horde and yelled when they did.

      The castle was on fire and at the top of the battlements the defenders were throwing huge rocks and dead guys down on the assaulting army. The noise was like a heavy metal concert! As I ran I took note of my appearance. I wore all sort of leather garb and broken and rusty chain mail. My feet were bound in cloth and leather and I wore on my head what looked and smelled like a banged up spittoon. I was dirty, smelly, damp and my butt itched. I reached up under my helmet and felt. I was still friggin bald! There was a great noise as I reached the wall. The draw bridge had been lowered with a shattering crash! “Onward men, advance yol mass and take yon to slaughter!” I was stoked, so I joined in and stormed the now opened gate. Then a rock hit me on the head. I died.

      I woke as a eunuch in Queen Cleopatra’s palace. I quickly looked down…“Where’s my damn package?”

   

   

   

  • 1:07 pm
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