August 27, 2012

• HOW TO RAISE TEENAGERS….never again!!

  “Eat your young….teens taste like chicken.”

     

      Okay….I know what you’re all thinking. What the crap does this geezer know about raising demonic teens? Well, first my credentials; I, along with their mother, raised four children from the cradle to the front door.

      My wife and I had decided to start a family while we were still young, so our own parents could be the main babysitters before they got too old…it’s called heredity. Anyway, none of my children were tortured, shackled, drugged or brainwashed during their development. During those nineteen or so years, we learned a lot. If I had to do it over again, I would have raised them in the basement and let them out only at night to go feed in the neighborhood….but, their Mom would be too much of a wussy and would prefer to spoil them.

      First off, we all know that there is nothing more embarrassing to a teen than their own parents. A perfect parent would be a mute zombie that lived in the kitchen and wore credit cards and car keys around their necks.  It seems like all teens have an agenda of keeping the elders confused and arguing about each other’s gene pools. Parents have only a few required duties, and that’s to keep these little people clean and fed and hopefully disease free with the exception of childhood cooties. Above that, all parents really want is peace and quiet. It don’t happen that way. You must remember that parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth and that parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore!

      Now….raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree. Nothing ever makes sense to them as they walk around like one big pimple that’s mad at their mirror and the world. They can’t go to “R” rated movies due to the language, yet the only people I hear using that language are teenagers. Gawd!  You can’t convince them that life is like a stalking panther, just waiting for them to reach 18 before it pounces on them and drags them back to it’s real world cave. Being young and stupid comes natural to them. It is amazing how quickly these kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the simple complexities of a lawnmower, snow blower or vacuum cleaner. I tried to explain to my smartest son about the speed of light and then he asked me about the speed of dark! Then just try and tell them that they are at the last stage of their life when they will be happy to hear the phone ring every time and that the worst is yet to come, like death is hereditary, and that they will spend the rest of their lives overcoming their childhood.

      But, the day comes when they’re grown and finally on their own, (hopefully).  Your youngest asks you one day was it ever difficult raising four kids, and you ponder for a moment and finally with a smile, you say, “I wish I had saved up all the tears we cried over all of you, then we could of drown you little turds in them……just saying.”

                                                                                                 Love……Mom & Dad

  　

   

  　

  　

  • 2:41 pm
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