OH MAMA!

                             

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach…. 

A human hair can hold 3kg. of protein….

The length of a male’s penis is three times the length of his thumb….

The femur is as hard as concrete….

A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s….

Women blink twice as much as men….

We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand….

The stomach daily produces nine pounds of gastric juice for digesting food….

The heart beats one hundred thousand times in twenty-four hours….

An adult breathes in three thousand cubic feet of air every hour….

The average man takes five and one-half pounds of food and drink each day….

The average woman can read this entire text in 14 seconds….

The average man is still looking at his thumb….

 

 

 

 

 

 

             

 

 

~TREES By Joyce Kilmer~

 

I think that I shall never see

A poem lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is pressed

Against the earth’s sweet flowing breast;

A tree that looks at God all day,

And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in Summer wear

A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;

Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by people like me,

But only God can make a tree.

 

 

~MY TREES by Charlie~

Trees have leaves that cover the ground,

That beckon me to rake my weekends away.

Trees have acorns and cones that fall to earth,

And pound my roof, night and day.

 

Trees have roots, that plow the earth,

And claims my pipes as it rips terrain. 

Worshiped by plumber and gardener alike,

For me, the tree is but torment and pain.

 

Chop them up for kindling and fuel,

Timber for houses and gallows alike.

I’ll not hug a spruce, pine or maple,

Nor share a woody, on a forest hike.

 

Tree poems are made by idiots like me,

But only a lumberjack, truly loves a tree.

　

 

 

   Like Squirrels In A Cage   

 

    I ran the last two blocks to get back to my company’s building. I stayed at “Taco Pete’s” for one more of his famous Bean Fiesta Burrito’s and now I was late getting back to the office and my rhinoceros boss, Miss Clumsnizzer who would most likely be checking security tapes later looking for tardy retards. I made it to the first floor elevator just in time and took my place inside with eight others. We all stood silent like a pack of McDonald’s fries. There were two giggling teen girls, but their snickers were loss under the deluge of 1980’s music coming from the elevator speaker. The doors slowly slid shut leaving everyone to their own thoughts……that’s when I farted.

    I stood out like the last grape in a fruit salad. I know people wanted to turn and gawk at me, but the Medusa Syndrome was in control. Some just felt sorry for me, while others resented my vaporous existence. The run back from Taco Pete’s and the anticipation of encountering the rutting Miss Clumsnizzer was more than my intestinal relief sphincter could manage. It was a low octave emission, reminiscent of old tramp steamers caught in thick fog at sea, bellowing a warning to the other ships. I was flabbergasted and even the piped in music stopped playing.

    Second floor….half the elevator emptied like a high school fire drill. As the door closed once again, I could hear quietly muttered prayers and the shuffling of feet, as survivors made their way to neutral corners of the lift.  In moments of stress, several things happen. The sweat glands kick into overdrive and your breathing increases. The heart beats a few extra choruses and a salvo of stomach acid causes the stomach to churn, resulting in bowel strangulation and the purging of more gas….which I did. “Must be a dead squirrel in the overhead,” commented an old guy with watery eyes. I stare down and bite my lip.

    Third floor….The door swooshes open and two people, including the squirrel expert, quickly exit while two more get on and before they realize their mistake, the door slides shut making a vacuum sealing sound, much like the steel door of a prison’s gas chamber. One of the giggling teenage girls is now openly weeping.

    Forth floor….The doors mercifully open on the final floor of the trip, which seemed like a Biblical exodus.  Several are muttering under their breath as they stagger out while some are surveying the area for a public restroom. Waiting to take the elevator down is a middle age man helping his elder mother with her walker. They enter and turn to face the sliding doors as they are sealed in. I can hear the old women’s frail voice as they plunge downward, “Hon, is that a dead squirrel I smell?”

 

        Kindness……first cousin of Love

KINDNESS comes with many veils:

TENDERNESS…….When the nurse holds your hand during a difficult procedure or when you bandage your child’s skinned knee. When you first pick up your newborn child or when the time comes for the final kiss on the brow of a dying parent. Next to violence, tenderness is one of the few traits we share with other animals.

COMPASSION….When a Mom puts her arms around her teen daughter after her first heartbreak. The act of a simple touch on the arm of a grieving widow. The long hours spent listening to a worried friend.

CONCERN….The phone calls made to elder parents and sick friends. The caring look you give a worried spouse. The first words you utter to someone you have not heard from in a while. Silence from your kid’s room.

    Kindness comes in all shades and textures. It can overwhelm someone or be so delicate as to not be noticed but only felt after a time. Kindness is easily overshadowed by many of our less noble traits like anger and hate, fear, jealousy, worry and confusion. Kindness is a powerfully gentle thing. It will resurface long after anger has done it’s damage and often repair and rekindle the injured soul. Kindness is also difficult!    

 

   Finally….the old saying that “you can get more with honey than vinegar”, still makes no sense to me, but what I do know is that those individuals that do practice kindness in their everyday life are often people of dignity, respectability, worth and absolute class! I am very proud to say that many of those good people are my friends here on Xanga.

 

 

 

 

 

    NEXT?

 

   We are all adults here…..except for maybe half the site……anyway, as adults, we cherish our privacy. That being said, what we do behind closed doors is our business. How we conduct ourselves and what we do and to whom or what is a guarded and privileged right.

   During our lives we may have done a few things, in the confines of solitude, that may not have been totally understood or condoned in the real world of today. A few such events come to mind from my college days and there was that one thing in San Francisco……sorry, I wandered for a moment, anyway, as long as it does not demean or embarrass or bruise or involves rope or harness or elevated platforms or warm Jell-O, then it is within civilized parameters in most countries and will be the same here.

   Most important is that we do not condemn those who seek passionate release through the exercise of deviant weirdosity. Behind closed doors is a protected sanctum, except in the state of California where it’s usually a movie set. Elsewhere, what happens in private…….stays private.

   At this point, I need to make a disclaimer to defend myself against the “Morality Nazis” that patrol most sites. Whatever is conducted behind closed doors by consenting adults, does not concern me AS LONG….as it does not involve the Vienna Boys Choir, petting zoos, late harvested produce, 12 volt car batteries, Lady Gaga, first term politicians, cheese, clowns or Super Glue. All else is acceptable.

   I will admit, in all honesty, that the only thing I do nowadays behind the solitude of a closed door is pick my nose and comment flatulence. What the rest of the perverts do is their own deprived business.

Charlie….Moral Crusader

 

LIFE…..in ten words

 

 

STRENGTH

 

 

BEAUTY

 

 

CHARACTER

 

 

                                                                                                  DETERMINATION

 

 

MAJESTIC

 

 

ENDURANCE

 

 

DIGNITY

 

 

REVERENCE

 

 

PRIDE

 

HOPE

 

 

 

LIFE IS BUT THE SIMPLEST OF WORDS, BUT WITH A SIMILARITY OF PURPOSE

Charlie

         Hanging around to give advice

    I often find myself dwelling, (followed by drooling), about my past life, but now, I even dwell about those lives around me such as family, close friends, the water meter guy, the cashier at Walgreens….etc. Why? I have no friggin idea, except that maybe I can now recognize certain faults more easily in people, now that I’m getting older than pavement. I mean, I’ve got suits older than most of my grand kids and getting older must empower one to believe they are now wiser and have most of the answers. Well….let me tell you, that don’t mean squat!

    Thousands of years ago, the tribe would have respectfully listened to me because I was an elder and had fought many battles, knew the ways of forest, taken many wives and knew the wisdom of our ancestors. Now a days, they just listen to pacify an old fart before asking to borrow money or my lawnmower. That’s okay. I’ve had to learn my place in the so called scheme of things and like Wifey tells me, “Stop complaining, you’ll just get your blood pressure up and crap out on me and then where the hell would that leave me?”  She’s a very selfish woman.

    So I’ve just learned to keep my mouth shut and let the people around me morph into ignorant hybrids. At my age, I either belong in a museum or just medicated at Sunny Ridge Estates giving advice to the squirrels. Now a days, when I am asked for advice, I often have to be on my guard. Most people do not want anybody’s advice anymore, unless that’s the price they have to pay in order to get something from you….and it works. I get frisked more times than I want to count. I know that’s their plan because I’m wise and I know they will be back for more. I’m also sure that thousands of years ago, there were a few tribesmen that would have tried to take advantage of the elders, but at least back then when it failed, the tribe just ate them…….I think

 

                                                                                   Charlie.

                                                                                    

 

 

 

         What if God was a She-God?

Okay…..I know, I know……God has no sex, so with that said, back to my blog;

IT IS WRITTEN: The omnipotent She-God created and decorated the Garden of Eden and exclaimed, “This is a good thing.”  So the She-God would have someone to gossip with, she also created Eve and likewise said, “This is a good thing.” But in time, Eve talked so much that She-God hardly had time to create, so She-God created Adeline to keep Eve company and out of her hair and She-God said, “This is a good thing, but one thing, girls,” said She-God. “Don’t eat of the  ‘forbidden fruit’.”

    “You talking about the fig tree?“ asked Adeline. 

    “Don’t mess with me,“ rebuked She-God to Adeline. “You know I mean the apple tree and that goes for you too Eve.” Well, the first problem would be that nobody is going to tell a woman what she can or cannot eat! There was no cake or Haagen Dazs or chocolate or fast food in this perfect garden and now someone’s going to say NO to a friggin apple?!!  Don’t think so. Okay, so the two wood nymphs ate half the apples and most likely made jelly with the rest. 

    The side effect of their actions was now they saw themselves naked. Now, the jealousy started up.  “Like, I’m getting so fat, why did you let me eat all that jelly??? You are a total Bi*ch!”, said Eve.

    “Look whose talking,” answered Adeline. “Miss Piggy with the buffalo butt!” Listening to the bitching and whining of the two Garden bimbos aggravated She-God. Then She-God had an idea!

    “Let there be a mall,” declared She-God, and it was done and She-God said, “This is a good thing.” So, it may sound strange to visualize a mall inside the Garden of Eden, but how many times have you walked into a new mall for the first time and said….”Holy crap! This is paradise!”

    She-God created she-clerks and she-managers and she-security and she-shoppers, etc. After a while all the she-workers got together and formed she-unions and had very loud meetings and strikes were called and the she-strikers carried signs that said.…‘SHE-GOD NOT FAIR TO SHE-UNIONS‘.  She-God got pissed and then created 40 days and forty nights of PMS. The mall was then devoid of sales and current fashions. The food court ran out of pasta and salad and Starbucks no longer had cappuccino. The Garden of Eden was in lock-down!

    But, the she’s were not subdued and still they rose up in agitated and frustrated masses. She-God now saw their need and from deep within the great Garden of Eden, She-God brought forth an orangutan. She took the simple beast and shaved it’s fur off and fed it Viagra and commanded it to seek out beings with multiple orifices. This, She-God called “he” ……and this too was a good thing. She-God then sent it forth to wander in the mall. The she’s fell upon the creation with glee and gluttony. Soon the she’s demanded more “he’s” so to fix plumbing and buff mall floors and take away trash. But, She-God had creating to do elsewhere, so She-God commanded they create their own “he’s” and they did so in abundance and they all said it was a really, really good thing.  In time, the Garden of Eden was overrun with she’s and he’s and She-God had to stop working on Mars and Venus and stay proactive in Eden. This was not a good thing. She-God had planned to put the she’s on Venus and the he’s on Mars, but now those plans had to be put off until the end of 2012.…. 

    There is another scenario that involves Adam and Andy, but that’s for another day.

DISCLAIMER:

    This little blog was fiction and NOT intended to become the core or foundation for a following or cult. All references to deities was solely created for entertainment purposes and in no way reflects the writers ideology or philosophy. Thank you and may the She-God bless your harvest.

 

 

 

 

 1956 FORD FAIRLANE…..LOVE-MOBILE

    Well, let me see……when I was a young teen, sex was fairly new and not a lot of people knew about it. When I found out what it was all about, I realized then, that the reason I had never heard anyone talk about it was because they were afraid people would think them insane. Seems it made you babble and slur the English language, made you feel like you were drowning in marshmallows and the ‘event’ was so intense, that it made you forget your mother’s face. Sex was the only thing, next to a mule’s kick in the head, that could stop your brain from making brain waves. In my case the waves were more like “flutters”.

    I digress…..this great mystery was unfolded to me in the backseat of my 56 Ford, on the night of June 14th, 1964 at approximately 10:15 pm with a girl named Susan. I was to remember her face for decades to come, but not her last name or anything about her prior to June 14^th, 1964. There was a light misting rain and I remember the car windows were fogged up. 

    Under The Boardwalk by the Drifters was playing on the radio as I clumsily explored Susan’s nether regions. It was not long before the mule kicked me in the head and I was grunting like some Paleolithic cave dweller. The event was soon over.  I was totally embarrassed over my behavior. Shaking, babbling, eyes crossed and confused as what to say next. It had been an intense 20 seconds……I was a mess!

    I remember very little of Susan’s predicament, except for her shouting OUCH! several times, but I’m sure it was awkward for her as well. From this experience I now knew why sex was only whispered about behind the school gym in shadowed corners and then only among bonded friends. It was humiliating! I was all-city on our football team, Honor Roll and president of the school’s glee club and as a maturing young man, I was a walking fountain of testosterones. But, in the backseat of that Ford….I was a sniveling little runt of a teen on the verge of wailing in anguish over this bizarre epiphany.

    In time, like all calamities of life, the magnitude of what I had experienced finally flourished into a plethora of emotions. The backseat of that Ford soon became an alter of love where I took a number ‘vessel virgins’ to be sacrificed. More vessel than virgin in most cases but none the less, it became sacred. Years later, when I sold the car, it was almost like the dying of a good friend mixed with the confusion of a divorce. A mixture of good memories, shame, selfishness, bewilderment and absolute ecstasy. It was not until my thirties that I discovered sex was a tool used by women to enslave and punish men. It had come a long ways from the backseat of my 56 Ford.

　

 

 

   This Is Why Disney World Was Invented

 

     In my lifetime, I have bore witness to many changes to the American family. Today’s family must endure the constant disruptions, upheavals, catastrophes and cluster fucks of everyday life. Gone are the days of ‘Leave it to Beaver” and replaced with “The beavers of Jersey Shore.”

    The family has been and still is on the endangered list, but as to priority, it is so far down the list that it even falls below the endangered ‘Madagascar pubic crab.’ The family structure is vaporizing. The national divorce rate is now 49%. Evidently marriage sucks worse than Amazonian leaches.

    Now the children of today, those sweet cherubs of delight, well it seems that 40% are born out of wedlock and by the time the little girls become sixteen, 10% of them will have already had a child. The young sons of these dysfunctional breeders will fill the father vacuum, while growing up, with ‘Iron Man’, the ‘Hulk’ and ‘Transformers’ as their male role models.

    The term ‘dysfunctional family’ did not exist when I was young. Sure there were family’s with problems, but they stayed a family! Even that politically incorrect term ‘stay-at-home-mom’ was never used because mom’s didn’t need to be classified. The collapse of the last few generations is too complex and debatable to be crammed into just one blog, but there are a few headliners.

First……our unending appetite for war. In my lifetime our country has spent 35 years in combat somewhere in the world. The cold war was a whole different can of worms. So many young lives and futures have been destroyed by this insanity, with no end in sight.

Second……the lost of the family values. The day mom retired her apron and join dad in the work force was the day our family structure began to fracture. No longer were our sons and daughters taught right from wrong nor were they now nurtured in self reliance and respect. The home, the children, dad’s emotional support…..mom’s worked harder back then, than they do now and that says a lot! But, thank God we have television now to look after our offspring. (Sorry about using the ‘G’ word, as it’s no longer relevant to many families.)

Third……education. The day the Federal government stepped in, our horizons stepped back. Guidelines for the social and emotional advancement of numbskulls and Neanderthals into the mainstream of educated society has now made us a country of head scratchers and noggin thumpers. Just showing up at the school steps will qualify a child for a ‘B’ average. Too poorly educated to get a job, to dumb to even fill out an application…….but, they do make excellent government employees. The calerber of education for our children now falls below that of a caveman showing his grunting son how to make fire. The O.E.C.D. report stated, that of the top 30 most influential countries of this planet, that our U.S. younguns rated only 15th in reading literacy. Most graduated with a 7th grade reading level and 30% failed to even graduate at all!. We rated 21st in science and 24% of all our 15 year olds didn’t even measure at any level of competency in science and technology. Don’t confuse iPads, video games or home computers as reflecting technological competency as that’s more reflective of ‘monkey see monkey do.’

    Virtually everywhere in the world, people tend to be more educated than their parents. This is no longer true in the United States. A report by the American Association of State Colleges and Universities indicates that the U.S. is one of only two nations on Earth in which people aged 25 to 34 have lower educational attainment than their parents. In effect, my fellow parents, the new generation is being ‘dummied down’ with compulsory government education which deliberately produces robots instead of adults who are now and for the rest of their lives the best they will ever be.

Fourth……just make this the catch-all for all the eventual results based on the above three. Drugs, unwanted children, domestic violence, crime, welfare, political messiahs and, last of all, a lost generation that can’t survive without entitlements and charity.

But….the ideal family is not a thing of the past. The concept is still alive for many and in some cases;  evolving, advancing, enhancing and safeguarding itself from the “system”. There are still many good, sound and jubilant families out there. Just look at our politicians….they all have one….closeted homosexuals and womanizers not withstanding.

http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/databriefs/db18.htm   (gives a few more facts about unwed mom’s)