January 7, 2013

• Do You Keep Secrets From Your Better Half??

                                                     Secrets

     
  

      Have you ever woke up in the middle of the night and looked over at the snoozer next to you and wonder….“What dirty little secrets are you carrying that I don’t know about?” Then you start to dwell on the issue and before long you’re pissed! You quietly reach over and smack your bedmate in the forehead and then you quickly flip over and pretend to be snoring while that person bolts upright swatting at flying monkeys. You know….and they know….that you know….what they know….but don’t know….what they know….you know?

      People do carry secrets their entire life and in all honesty, no spouse can really say they know absolutely everything about their better half. I have secrets that are known to me and me alone, with the exception of Minnie Mouse at Disneyland whom, as a teenager, I mistakenly assumed was a girl dressed up like the mouse. In reality, it was a short Latino guy in his 40’s. I was chastised by being tossed from the park with only my souvenir mouse ears and the shameful secret that I had groped a lonely guy from Cuba dressed in a rat suit. Anyway…the point I’m trying to make is that we all have something to ‘hide’ or to simply withhold from those we love or drink beer with. Have wives and girlfriends ever wondered why, sometimes, there’s more of their panties and bras in the dirty laundry than they wore that week? Have men ever worried about why their ladies get hot flashes every time they drive by a biker bar?? Secrets!! Stuff you will never know about because you’ll be dead when they write their decadent memoirs. Secrets and more secrets!!! Some married men, who travel a lot, don’t always spend their evenings away from home visiting all night museums and zoos.

      Teenage girls will often hide their tattoos from their Moms for years until their younger pervert brother videos them coming out of the shower and the scene accidentally splices into the middle of a recorded birthday party the parents are watching later with grandma. Family secrets are seldom sacred or hidden for long. Tossing your teen’s bedroom will usually reveal more secrets than the Pentagon. I can write a behemoth size blog about political secrets, but a few days later I might end up being one of those secrets….just saying. Secrets about galactic aliens like Honey Boo Boo or those guys on Jersey Shore. What about those Chinese ‘doubles’ walking around pretending to be American CEOs and Cabinet Members! Then there’s the secret rumors about the Speaker of The House, John Boehner, being….an android! The hair and the frozen lips give him away. There is also the much older Pelosi model that tends to short circuit and babble.

      I have found, throughout the years, to always come clean during any inquisition Wifey puts me through. To reveal my secrets and be willing to accept any and all unfair consequences and punishment for being truthful and honest. The fact that I don’t willingly volunteer the information by yanking skeletons out of my closet, should not go against me. In my heart, I do believe there is a ’Statute of Limitations’ on all secrets more than five years old, or even those perpetrated in another state, or maybe county. Also, the legality gets a little fuzzy when it comes to secrets initiated under the influence. But, none the less, as far as secrets go…honesty is the best policy, as long as that policy has a time warranty. Some of you will outburst with the comment “BULL!!” That will be the group of individuals who have no secrets and are totally open and revealing to their mates and the entire world……please refer to paragraph #4 about aliens and androids.

                                                                                                                                                  Charlie…..or is it?

  • 2:39 pm
  • 10 Comments