Month: May 2013

  • Old Farts Need Love Too….!

     

    SWEET MAMA

        

         After 66 years of living among the humanoids, I have surmised several absolutes about us all. Time can really be slow when we have to wait, too quick when we’re afraid, too long when we have to grieve, too short when we want to party, but….for those of us who love, time is truly an eternity. It only takes a small amount of hope to kindle love, but sometimes our hopes are as fragile as a young girl’s dreams. We spend our younger years waiting for love to come to us and then, as we age, we haphazardly seek it out. Meeting people in bars or on line who have bled out most of their love, with heart’s as neglected as a garden of dead flowers and shriveled hopes.

        Wifey and I have been blessed from day one with many treasures. First off, her tender attention to my every boo-boo and of course the excitement of my raging stallion lust! I  also do laundry. Most important, there has been a never ending plague of affection between us from the very beginning. Our first kiss occurred after we started repeating the same conversations over and over, and words became superfluous. I guess it was a natural reaction for shutting each other up. Fact was, she was an excellent kisser and hugger and fortunately, I was a magnificent one. I’m not saying we didn’t enjoy our discussions, not at all, cause I already knew I was half way in love with her when she let me do most of the talking!

         Well, many years have passed and she has allowed me to get away with a lot. In return, I have allowed her to remind me of that fact each and every day. I’m not going to get into any detail about the way I feel about her, except to say, if Wifey were to live fifty more years, I pray that I live the same…minus one day, cause I’ll never have the strength to live on, even one day without her. 

                                                                                                                             Charlie

     

     

  • The Good….The Bad….and The Ugly of Marriage!!!

        

     

    No man should ever marry until he has studied the female anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

          A long marriage can be one of two things. A mutual punishment of cerebral anguish, or a heart thumping love affair. A long marriage starts out like a safari into the steaming jungles of lust and then evolves into the realm of, “Chicken again tonight?” All marriages revolve, twist, gyrate and splatter like a middle age pole dancer. One morning you’re in the bathroom shaving and your bride comes in and takes a dump…..that’s when you know the honeymoon’s over. Amazing when I think back to that time, that I was 20 years old before I found out that women farted just like men, but not as well.

         As the nuptial years slough by, you soon adjust, modify and cope with each other. You learn that neither one of you is perfect, as she will often explain to you while you shave. You accept the fact that her mom is a goddess and your own poor old mom is the witch that poisoned Snow White. Her brother is the smartest man ever to graduate high school at the age of 21 and once he gets his parole, he’s going to veterinarian school for wilderness animals like squirrels and moose. Having in-laws is a lot like catching gonorrhea after having great sex.

         The years pass and during their midlife debacle, he loses hair, gets a beer gut while her boobs become part of her waistline and her butt takes on new dimensions. At heart, they still feel attractive and the more their aging eyesight diminishes and the elastic holds out, the more they feel irresistible. Now they start to argue a lot. Angry words are spouted out like…..hate, miserable, useless, dickless, asshole, stupid, loser and chainsaw! No one is ever right, only wrong. They go to a marriage counselor, but in reality, most are as useless as a three legged turtle. They finally realize that to survive with each other they must admit when they’re wrong and they need to always compromise…..on everything! Of course this is a friggin fantasy, so they just get divorced and the guy loses his ass and she gets liposuction.

         Their evolutionary clocks are ticking, so they hurry and find their next ‘real’ soul mate…..usually during happy hour in some local bar. Regardless…..they remarry and attempt to avoid all the screw ups they had with their first marriage. In many cases, it works! Now, with a new mate, they journey into their senior years together. The years go by and it’s a mellower time now and their favorite topics are the grandkids and bowel movements. They may disagree from time to time, but considering all the medications they’re on by the time they reach 65, they seldom remember why they’re arguing. There is still a lot of hot sex, but it occurs during REM sleep in the middle of the night while they dream about reality show bimbos and hunks.

         So, if you get the urge to get married and you get a good spouse, then you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, then you’ll become a philosopher. Anyway, most of you reading this will know I’m only being humorous. But, for those few who believe what I’m saying…..live well grasshoppers.

                                                                                                                                                                               Charlie

     

     

     

  • Is our species about done???

     

     

     

     

         Have you ever wondered why we’re even here?? The short answer is theological, but the long answer can be very complex. Some say we all descended from monkeys……where the monkeys came from is another mystery. Some believe the human circus started with a genetically challenged fish or a talking gecko lizard. Maybe it was just a simple one eyed jelly fish with a progressive mentality. Anyway, I don’t lose sleep over it, but what does keep me awake at night, is what went wrong? We are so convoluted, as a species, that we are often a hazard unto our own selves, much like a Republican rally.

         We need armed police to protect us from each other and huge armies to protect us from other civilizations who also need protecting from us! Humans and rats are the only mammals that kill their own kind without provocation. Through out history, our wars have filled cemeteries by the thousands and untold mass graves. We love movies with incredibly high kill ratios and our video games score us on our killing expertise. We are evidently preparing ourselves for one huge friggin shootout!!

         I don’t understand the human race anymore, just like I don’t understand how the voting works on American Idol. Racism, corporations, our government, and hotdog filler totally dumbfound me. It seems we stopped getting along with each other awhile back, so now we put up cameras, hook up security systems, erect fences and install extra locks. We buy guns and ass biting dogs. We keep stun guns and pepper spray at the ready as we walk around in public. The knock at the door after seven at night terrifies us! We are each others most feared enemy and bogyman! The days of the protective tribe are long gone now and even the days of my youth, when neighbors kept an eye on each other’s kids while watching out for strangers cruising the area. Now, we’re traumatized when our kids are ten minutes late from school and we quickly turn on the news as we reach for our phones. 

         What does all this mean? What’s it going to be like in fifty years? Will we live, work and educate our young in a bio dome that shields our home? Or.…will we simply finish what we have begun…..our annihilation as a species. Our planet’s turning into a compost heap of non degradable refuse and only a hippie would drink from a river or stream today. We’re preparing every day for the next war or conflict and the clock is ticking down to the next terrorist attack. We are the dinosaurs gazing up at the giant meteor, just before it hits earth. It seems like the human race is coming up to the finish line and on the other side of that finish line is a dark and nasty abyss filled with decaying lawyers and CEO‘s.

         I got stuck at the grocery store today with a dead car battery and two half gallons of ice cream and a large pack of chicken legs in the trunk. So, when I finally got my ass home, I decided to write a happy blog!!!!!!!!!!!!

     

                                                                                                                                                         Charlie

     

     

     

     

     

     
               
       
    		 

  • What’s your pet name?

    PET NAMES

     

         Why do we have pet names for the ones we love? Another level of endearment? Easier to remember than their real name, (large families)? Maybe it’s a method to show love to some and to humiliate others. When we’re young, pet names was a way of life. It was a way of protecting ‘Snuffy’ your pet rabbit, cause no one ever eats a pet, once you name it. Until I was twelve, I thought my own pet name was ‘dumass’ until mom took it away from me and gave it to dad.

         The obsession that young men have with pet names is bewildering. Every woman in his social life has a pet name, like ‘Sweet Cheeks‘, ‘Sugar Lips’ or ‘Honey Rump’. Then, during his lifetime, he will go through half a dozen pet names for his own genitalia. During his 20‘s, his apparatus may be addressed each morning with….“Good morning Love Python. ” During his 40’s…..“Good morning Wonder Wand, ” and finally during his 60’s….“That’s alright Goober, you just keep hibernating.” 

         Pet names really stick to people too, and the most ridiculous are the most adhesive. Two guys I grew up with were called ‘Flipper’ (big feet) and ‘Snout‘, (big nose). These guys I’ve known for over 50 years, and I still address them by their ancient pet names, maybe cause I can no longer remember their real ones. One old friend, now incinerated, was called ‘Thud’, because he once drank too much of his dad’s Crown Royal and while we were paying cards in his attic, he passed out and banged his head on the attic floor with….yep, a thud.

         We give our children pet names as a means of bonding and as a blackmailing tool once they reach their teens. Woofy, Weezer, Acorn and Fluff Butt were the pet names I decreed on my prodigy and to this day, they cringe when I use them in front of their kids and spouses. I’ve got too many grandkids to hang a name on, (12), so I mostly call them either Larry, Curly, Moe or Hillary.  

         Now, my wife and I have had the same pet names for decades. But, when we first got married we tried out a number of possibilities. At first, she called me ‘Stallion’, but that soon morphed down to ‘Dumass’. At first, she was my ‘Tootles’, but that changed to ‘Yes Dear’ within the first year. Anyway, I have lovingly called her ‘Wifey’ and ‘Babes’ for many years now, and she has started calling me ‘Stallion’ once again…..seems she doesn’t want me to become depressed in my golden years.

                                                                                                              

                                                                                                                               Stallion Charlie