December 19, 2011

• Christmas Shopping with Wifey….GAWD!!!!

  
  

  Christmas Shopping with Wifey                              Wifey took me shopping with her yesterday. I was doing pretty good from my surgery back in November and my doctor, Abo Monorumbo-whatever-the-hell, said it would be good for me to get out for a couple of hours. I told Wifey to drop me off at HOOTERS while she went to the mall. Right off, Wifey says no to the HOOTERS sanctuary, so I was very much in her power. We got to the mall and from outside it looked like a scene from FOX news when all the loony Egyptians took to the streets in Cairo not long ago.    Malls have always fascinated me. We used to build civilizations, but now we build shopping malls. Seems we peaked. The malls are like windowless fortresses manned by underpaid serfs and con artist. The committed bargain hunters enter through the swinging portals with a grim determination on their faces and blood in their eyes. Shopping for Wifey is very much like a contact sport such as football. She enjoys the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the over priced food, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase. I don’t shop anymore because of my knee injury.    The parking lot, (the trenches) was no man’s land. No empty spaces anywhere and cars were slowly prowling the lanes like wounded cheetahs…..I was sure I could hear screams coming from the mall’s entrance. The shopping director, Wifey, recalculated her course and soon we were heading to Wally World (Wal-Mart).    After a 15 minute ride, she let me off in front of the mega store and I was told to sit on the old folks bench and wait for her while she drove to the next county to park the car. I obediently sat on the sticky bench and observed the natives. Wal-Mart natives are comprised of many tribal affiliations. West Viginiikes, Alabamian Pud Pullers, Georgiana Sheep Sniffers and many more….all dressed in their traditional tribal butt crack regalia.    In time, Wifey comes huffing up to the store and once inside I’m instructed to ride one of their ‘scoot-arounds’ as I’m an invalid in training. I had a little buzzer for warning folks that an old fart was coming through, but you could hardly hear it for all the jabbering dialects.    Already Wifey’s eyes were starting to glaze over and she started sniffing the air. Soon she picked up the scent of a sale and we’re off like a huntress and her scooter hound. Wifey is a serious minded being when it comes to watching my money. The quickest way to get to know a woman is to go shopping with her and I have learned several things about Wifey and her philosophies on the concept of competitive shopping. First off, she believes that anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination…Second,….she will buy anything that has a sign saying ‘one to a customer,’ and third, she likes her money right where she can see it….hanging in her closet.    She ravaged the women’s clothing department looking for anything that said “Extra Medium,” or “Petit Large”…..she was unsuccessful. My sole responsibility was to sit and hold her purse while I watched the young women picking through the halter tops and thongs. She soon tossed a furry looking hat in her cart on top of all the other imported, (Chinese) goods and bargains and we finally headed to the front of the crowded store and then waited. Anyone who believes the competitive spirit in America is dead has never been in a Wal-Mart when the cashier opens another checkout line. After the rush, all that remained was a confused old man sitting in a scooter with a dead battery. Wifey had abandoned me like a mammal abandons it’s young fur seal sleeping on the beach. She had made it to the new cashier and was only second in line with about twenty shoppets behind her. She looked back at my predicament and with a sad look on her face, she just shrugged her shoulders in sympathy. In turn, I held up her purse and shrugged mine.

   

  • 11:43 pm
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