Young But A Moment

 

Dance the soul, that needs to flee,

Then loose the spirit and set it free.

You’re young, but a moment,

Then it’s gone to dormant.

So dance the soul, and make it free,

Too soon it’s over, too soon for thee.

 

 

 

WHAT DID YOU MEAN TO SAY??

               

    We have advanced from a race of babbling barbarians, over 10,000 years ago, to a modern culture of babbling cosmopolitans. We have, sadly, been mentally downsized in the fine art of being rhetorically cogent. We don’t know how to use words! Now, the word rhetorical is to often a catch-all word for those who use English like a cheap Bombay hooker. You can grunt and groan anything you verbally conjure up and refer to it as being rhetorically adequate or even objectively subjective. I’m starting to confuse myself….so let me get to the goiter of my point. When someone asks the question, “Is the glass half empty or is it half full?” — it’s obvious this Confucian wannabe never worked as a bartender. What a stupid reference to make about life! After I leave the smorgasbord….“Am I half full or half empty?” And what the hell does “half ass” mean?? Is it something to do with cloning? “The ends justify the means.” I was well into my thirties before I ever figured this one out, and it was while trying to cover my ass on my tax returns. Then there’s, “Don’t mind him, he really does have a good heart” —and a sorry immature attitude that’s just looking for a cyclonic ass-whooping! Sorry, flashbacks.

    Last of all, the great elocutionist Socrates said, “Know thy self.” Three simple words. A rhetorical masterpiece. To my way of clear thinking, it’s obvious the old pervert was talking about masturbating and from the many references to his male groupies, they were all famous for knowing each other’s self as well. Too bad about the hemlock smoothie. Aside from all this….my point is, just keep it simple. Let the politicians and theologians do their rhetorical mumble jumble and let us just communicate in our plain ancestral gibberish, which is somewhere between rap and yodeling.

                                                                                                Charlie

DISCLAIMER: That little comment about my taxes was for the sake of swelling my humorous varicosity and was only a half truth……what the hell is a half truth? A half lie?? Gawd, my head hurts!

 

                                      
 

 

      HEAVENLY CORNBREAD

  

    Being raised in the deep south, I went straight from mama’s bosom spigots to cornbread. This wonderful food has been a part of my lineage for generations. My great grand mother healed my grand dad of a rabid squirrel bite by feeding him cornbread and butter milk everyday for a week. My own mother recovered from anorexia by consuming large quantities of pinto beans and skillet fried cornbread. Personally, I know for a fact, that I would have turned out brain ignorant if it had not been for a lifetime of collard greens cooked in ham hocks and served along side stacks of cornbread squares.

    There is so much to say about this wondrous food, that I’m afraid to say too much, else Obama might just tax it. All same, I have used my unignorant brain and done some reading in the matter. There is a great misconception in the Bible, (caused by anorexic Greek translators), that in the Book of Exodus, God fed the children of Israel with manna from heaven. It has now been disputed and according to researchers at Sorghum University in Alabama, it was cornbread that the kitchen angels tossed down to those starving folks wandering around lost in that desert. Once they got their belly’s full, they were finally smart enough to read a map and find Canaan, the land of buttermilk, honey and cornbread.

This is what I serve along with my homemade vegetable soup. On a chilly day the combination tastes wonderful….even on a hot muggy day it still taste good.

Start with 1 box ‘Jiffy’ corn muffin mix, 8.5oz. (or your own mix that makes 6 muffins), then add;

1/3 cup chopped onion

1/3 cup cooked corn (mushed)

2 tbsp chopped chives

1/3 cup grated cheddar cheese

1/3 cup oil

12 pieces of cream cheese (each the size of a garbanzo bean).

1/2 cup melted butter

1 12oz bottle of beer

    Use a metal 12 muffin pan. Put ½ teaspoon of oil in each section. Then put the pan into the oven and set it for 400F to preheat. If your stove is set for Celsius, then most likely they don’t sell cornmeal in your neck of the woods anyway, so never mind. Prepare the basic cornbread batter recipe and then mix in all the listed ingredients except for cream cheese and butter. Pull out the ‘hot’ muffin pan and quickly fill all sections 1/3 full. Then push down a small piece of cream cheese into the center of each section until almost covered with batter. Return pan to oven and bake at 400 degrees for about 12-15 minutes while you drink the beer. Oven temps may vary according to how crappy your oven is. When you take out the muffins, brush the tops with a lot of melted butter and serve right away before attracting flies. The 12 muffins will be about an inch high with a crunchy bottom and buttery top. Look at the pic of yesterday‘s batch. Hope you enjoy.

                                                                                                          Charlie

 

 

     

 

 

    No one ever said life was an endless honeymoon or a trip on a Willy Wonka cruise ship. Life is full of twist and turns followed with nasty tumbles and slips. There is adversity around every corner and an asshole perched on every lamp post. Some folks walk around like the world is at peace and everything taste like A&W Rootbeer. Then the meds wear off and they start acting like someone’s just peed in their Cheerios. I have just returned from one single hour of shopping and I wish to blog about my regurgitated anger. These are but a few of the things that really stomp my grapes;

   Jerks that give you a smile when they hijack a parking space you’ve been waiting on.

   Clerks at Walgreen’s that ask you, “Will there be anything else?” after you’ve stood in line for twenty minutes.

   My mentally anemic neighbor that brags about having all his holiday shopping done over a month ago.

   Wifey telling me to stop being a grouch when I’ve earned the right to.

   Wifey for knowing where everything is.

   Relatives that give me fruitcakes that even the homeless guy turns down.

   Explaining Viagra commercials to my grandkids.

   Explaining Viagra to Wifey.

   Family members who think I’m suicidal because I listen to John Denver music.

   Opening the cookie jar and finding Oreos with the cream centers missing.

   Pretending I like cheap ass Christmas presents from the Dollar General store.

   

But…..!! These are a few of the things I do love;

   My grandkids combing my beard.

   The grandkids telling me about their parent’s arguments.

   Telling the grandkids that their house has toilet monsters.

   Lying to most everyone who will still listen to me nowadays.

   Listening to John Denver.

   Arguing with the TV while CNN is on.

   Ordering Viagra.

                                                                                                                                            Charlie…..;}

 

 

 

                                                   Secrets

   

    Have you ever woke up in the middle of the night and looked over at the snoozer next to you and wonder….“What dirty little secrets are you carrying that I don’t know about?” Then you start to dwell on the issue and before long you’re pissed! You quietly reach over and smack your bedmate in the forehead and then you quickly flip over and pretend to be snoring while that person bolts upright swatting at flying monkeys. You know….and they know….that you know….what they know….but don’t know….what they know….you know?

    People do carry secrets their entire life and in all honesty, no spouse can really say they know absolutely everything about their better half. I have secrets that are known to me and me alone, with the exception of Minnie Mouse at Disneyland whom, as a teenager, I mistakenly assumed was a girl dressed up like the mouse. In reality, it was a short Latino guy in his 40’s. I was chastised by being tossed from the park with only my souvenir mouse ears and the shameful secret that I had groped a lonely guy from Cuba dressed in a rat suit. Anyway…the point I’m trying to make is that we all have something to ‘hide’ or to simply withhold from those we love or drink beer with. Have wives and girlfriends ever wondered why, sometimes, there’s more of their panties and bras in the dirty laundry than they wore that week? Have men ever worried about why their ladies get hot flashes every time they drive by a biker bar?? Secrets!! Stuff you will never know about because you’ll be dead when they write their decadent memoirs. Secrets and more secrets!!! Some married men, who travel a lot, don’t always spend their evenings away from home visiting all night museums and zoos.

    Teenage girls will often hide their tattoos from their Moms for years until their younger pervert brother videos them coming out of the shower and the scene accidentally splices into the middle of a recorded birthday party the parents are watching later with grandma. Family secrets are seldom sacred or hidden for long. Tossing your teen’s bedroom will usually reveal more secrets than the Pentagon. I can write a behemoth size blog about political secrets, but a few days later I might end up being one of those secrets….just saying. Secrets about galactic aliens like Honey Boo Boo or those guys on Jersey Shore. What about those Chinese ‘doubles’ walking around pretending to be American CEOs and Cabinet Members! Then there’s the secret rumors about the Speaker of The House, John Boehner, being….an android! The hair and the frozen lips give him away. There is also the much older Pelosi model that tends to short circuit and babble.

    I have found, throughout the years, to always come clean during any inquisition Wifey puts me through. To reveal my secrets and be willing to accept any and all unfair consequences and punishment for being truthful and honest. The fact that I don’t willingly volunteer the information by yanking skeletons out of my closet, should not go against me. In my heart, I do believe there is a ’Statute of Limitations’ on all secrets more than five years old, or even those perpetrated in another state, or maybe county. Also, the legality gets a little fuzzy when it comes to secrets initiated under the influence. But, none the less, as far as secrets go…honesty is the best policy, as long as that policy has a time warranty. Some of you will outburst with the comment “BULL!!” That will be the group of individuals who have no secrets and are totally open and revealing to their mates and the entire world……please refer to paragraph #4 about aliens and androids.

                                                                                                                                                Charlie…..or is it?