January 28, 2013

  • Young But A Moment

     

     

    Young But A Moment

     

    Dance the soul, that needs to flee,

    Then loose the spirit and set it free.

    You’re young, but a moment,

    Then it’s gone to dormant.

    So dance the soul, and make it free,

    Too soon it’s over, too soon for thee.

     

     

     

January 14, 2013

  •  

                            FAT CHANCE!!

        I was driving to the park this morning to catch a couple of squirrels for dinner and on my way, I passed a stopped school bus. It looked like a great yellow sow giving birth to a litter of squealing kidlets!!! My Gawd, what a bunch of chunk-o‘s!! These fat little kids poured out of the bus like Gummy Bears and then waddled off huffing and puffing. There must be six or seven young families in my neighborhood with school age kids, but you seldom see them after school. When I take my pre dinner walk each day, I rarely see or hear any of these younguns because they are either watching mind mushing cartoons or playing genocide games on their Xbox! Mom’s not there because she ran down to McDonalds to pick up their supper, unless it’s Saturday nigh, and they’re eagerly waiting for Jeff the pizza delivery guy.

        Okay, here it comes……‘When I was young…..,’ as soon as I got home from school, I was back out the door before it had a chance to close. If I had to take a leak, well there were plenty of places for that outside. I would meet up with my pals at Danny’s garage and from there we would take off like a posse in pursuit of renegades and evil doers. We might go and play baseball, run down to the cow pasture and play in the creek or we might take on our commando façade and sneak into the cantaloupe field and rescue a few. We never stopped until the sun was going down or the loudest mother was calling someone to dinner. We didn’t have time to gain weight!

        Now, I read about all these lawsuits and focus groups who are blaming the ‘Fast Food’ industry for our adolescent porkers. It’s not them and even though the parents should shoulder most of the blame….it’s not totally their fault either. We have contorted our culture into a stagnant, lard friendly environment of lazy kids who’s only role model is Jabba the Hutt!!

        You want to change this? Well, when your kids come home from school, pull them away from the TV or computer and chase them out the front door. Explain to them that playing outside does not require a game controller and that any kids they happen to encounter will not harm them. Also tell them that you still love them and it’s okay for them to come back home when they get tired or break something. If there’s snow on the ground, hand them a shovel. Next, make cookies and sweets a treat and not a food group. Saturday night pizza is still a good idea because the parents want it too. Next; family walks in the evening, backyard badminton, (don’t laugh), or shooting hoops in the driveway. Make your kids take the first step and they’ll take it from there. They can wait until middle age to get fat and then break all the rules, cause they’ll be in charge then.

                                                                                                                                                                                        Charlie

     

     

                               

     

     

     

     

January 11, 2013

  • Stop Babbling!!….people don’t make sense anymore.

    WHAT DID YOU MEAN TO SAY??

                   

        We have advanced from a race of babbling barbarians, over 10,000 years ago, to a modern culture of babbling cosmopolitans. We have, sadly, been mentally downsized in the fine art of being rhetorically cogent. We don’t know how to use words! Now, the word rhetorical is to often a catch-all word for those who use English like a cheap Bombay hooker. You can grunt and groan anything you verbally conjure up and refer to it as being rhetorically adequate or even objectively subjective. I’m starting to confuse myself….so let me get to the goiter of my point. When someone asks the question, “Is the glass half empty or is it half full?” — it’s obvious this Confucian wannabe never worked as a bartender. What a stupid reference to make about life! After I leave the smorgasbord….“Am I half full or half empty?” And what the hell does “half ass” mean?? Is it something to do with cloning? “The ends justify the means.” I was well into my thirties before I ever figured this one out, and it was while trying to cover my ass on my tax returns. Then there’s, “Don’t mind him, he really does have a good heart” —and a sorry immature attitude that’s just looking for a cyclonic ass-whooping! Sorry, flashbacks.

        Last of all, the great elocutionist Socrates said, “Know thy self.” Three simple words. A rhetorical masterpiece. To my way of clear thinking, it’s obvious the old pervert was talking about masturbating and from the many references to his male groupies, they were all famous for knowing each other’s self as well. Too bad about the hemlock smoothie. Aside from all this….my point is, just keep it simple. Let the politicians and theologians do their rhetorical mumble jumble and let us just communicate in our plain ancestral gibberish, which is somewhere between rap and yodeling.

                                                                                                    Charlie

    DISCLAIMER: That little comment about my taxes was for the sake of swelling my humorous varicosity and was only a half truth……what the hell is a half truth? A half lie?? Gawd, my head hurts!

     

                                          
     

January 10, 2013

  • Cornbread…..the food of life!!

     

          HEAVENLY CORNBREAD

      

        Being raised in the deep south, I went straight from mama’s bosom spigots to cornbread. This wonderful food has been a part of my lineage for generations. My great grand mother healed my grand dad of a rabid squirrel bite by feeding him cornbread and butter milk everyday for a week. My own mother recovered from anorexia by consuming large quantities of pinto beans and skillet fried cornbread. Personally, I know for a fact, that I would have turned out brain ignorant if it had not been for a lifetime of collard greens cooked in ham hocks and served along side stacks of cornbread squares.

        There is so much to say about this wondrous food, that I’m afraid to say too much, else Obama might just tax it. All same, I have used my unignorant brain and done some reading in the matter. There is a great misconception in the Bible, (caused by anorexic Greek translators), that in the Book of Exodus, God fed the children of Israel with manna from heaven. It has now been disputed and according to researchers at Sorghum University in Alabama, it was cornbread that the kitchen angels tossed down to those starving folks wandering around lost in that desert. Once they got their belly’s full, they were finally smart enough to read a map and find Canaan, the land of buttermilk, honey and cornbread.

    This is what I serve along with my homemade vegetable soup. On a chilly day the combination tastes wonderful….even on a hot muggy day it still taste good.

    Start with 1 box ‘Jiffy’ corn muffin mix, 8.5oz. (or your own mix that makes 6 muffins), then add;

    1/3 cup chopped onion

    1/3 cup cooked corn (mushed)

    2 tbsp chopped chives

    1/3 cup grated cheddar cheese

    1/3 cup oil

    12 pieces of cream cheese (each the size of a garbanzo bean).

    1/2 cup melted butter

    1 12oz bottle of beer

        Use a metal 12 muffin pan. Put ½ teaspoon of oil in each section. Then put the pan into the oven and set it for 400F to preheat. If your stove is set for Celsius, then most likely they don’t sell cornmeal in your neck of the woods anyway, so never mind. Prepare the basic cornbread batter recipe and then mix in all the listed ingredients except for cream cheese and butter. Pull out the ‘hot’ muffin pan and quickly fill all sections 1/3 full. Then push down a small piece of cream cheese into the center of each section until almost covered with batter. Return pan to oven and bake at 400 degrees for about 12-15 minutes while you drink the beer. Oven temps may vary according to how crappy your oven is. When you take out the muffins, brush the tops with a lot of melted butter and serve right away before attracting flies. The 12 muffins will be about an inch high with a crunchy bottom and buttery top. Look at the pic of yesterday‘s batch. Hope you enjoy.

                                                                                                              Charlie

     

     

January 8, 2013

  • What Makes You Angry!!!???

         

     

     

        No one ever said life was an endless honeymoon or a trip on a Willy Wonka cruise ship. Life is full of twist and turns followed with nasty tumbles and slips. There is adversity around every corner and an asshole perched on every lamp post. Some folks walk around like the world is at peace and everything taste like A&W Rootbeer. Then the meds wear off and they start acting like someone’s just peed in their Cheerios. I have just returned from one single hour of shopping and I wish to blog about my regurgitated anger. These are but a few of the things that really stomp my grapes;

       Jerks that give you a smile when they hijack a parking space you’ve been waiting on.

       Clerks at Walgreen’s that ask you, “Will there be anything else?” after you’ve stood in line for twenty minutes.

       My mentally anemic neighbor that brags about having all his holiday shopping done over a month ago.

       Wifey telling me to stop being a grouch when I’ve earned the right to.

       Wifey for knowing where everything is.

       Relatives that give me fruitcakes that even the homeless guy turns down.

       Explaining Viagra commercials to my grandkids.

       Explaining Viagra to Wifey.

       Family members who think I’m suicidal because I listen to John Denver music.

       Opening the cookie jar and finding Oreos with the cream centers missing.

       Pretending I like cheap ass Christmas presents from the Dollar General store.

       

    But…..!! These are a few of the things I do love;

       My grandkids combing my beard.

       The grandkids telling me about their parent’s arguments.

       Telling the grandkids that their house has toilet monsters.

       Lying to most everyone who will still listen to me nowadays.

       Listening to John Denver.

       Arguing with the TV while CNN is on.

       Ordering Viagra.

                                                                                                                                                Charlie…..;}

     

     

     

January 7, 2013

  • Do You Keep Secrets From Your Better Half??

                                                       Secrets

       

        Have you ever woke up in the middle of the night and looked over at the snoozer next to you and wonder….“What dirty little secrets are you carrying that I don’t know about?” Then you start to dwell on the issue and before long you’re pissed! You quietly reach over and smack your bedmate in the forehead and then you quickly flip over and pretend to be snoring while that person bolts upright swatting at flying monkeys. You know….and they know….that you know….what they know….but don’t know….what they know….you know?

        People do carry secrets their entire life and in all honesty, no spouse can really say they know absolutely everything about their better half. I have secrets that are known to me and me alone, with the exception of Minnie Mouse at Disneyland whom, as a teenager, I mistakenly assumed was a girl dressed up like the mouse. In reality, it was a short Latino guy in his 40’s. I was chastised by being tossed from the park with only my souvenir mouse ears and the shameful secret that I had groped a lonely guy from Cuba dressed in a rat suit. Anyway…the point I’m trying to make is that we all have something to ‘hide’ or to simply withhold from those we love or drink beer with. Have wives and girlfriends ever wondered why, sometimes, there’s more of their panties and bras in the dirty laundry than they wore that week? Have men ever worried about why their ladies get hot flashes every time they drive by a biker bar?? Secrets!! Stuff you will never know about because you’ll be dead when they write their decadent memoirs. Secrets and more secrets!!! Some married men, who travel a lot, don’t always spend their evenings away from home visiting all night museums and zoos.

        Teenage girls will often hide their tattoos from their Moms for years until their younger pervert brother videos them coming out of the shower and the scene accidentally splices into the middle of a recorded birthday party the parents are watching later with grandma. Family secrets are seldom sacred or hidden for long. Tossing your teen’s bedroom will usually reveal more secrets than the Pentagon. I can write a behemoth size blog about political secrets, but a few days later I might end up being one of those secrets….just saying. Secrets about galactic aliens like Honey Boo Boo or those guys on Jersey Shore. What about those Chinese ‘doubles’ walking around pretending to be American CEOs and Cabinet Members! Then there’s the secret rumors about the Speaker of The House, John Boehner, being….an android! The hair and the frozen lips give him away. There is also the much older Pelosi model that tends to short circuit and babble.

        I have found, throughout the years, to always come clean during any inquisition Wifey puts me through. To reveal my secrets and be willing to accept any and all unfair consequences and punishment for being truthful and honest. The fact that I don’t willingly volunteer the information by yanking skeletons out of my closet, should not go against me. In my heart, I do believe there is a ’Statute of Limitations’ on all secrets more than five years old, or even those perpetrated in another state, or maybe county. Also, the legality gets a little fuzzy when it comes to secrets initiated under the influence. But, none the less, as far as secrets go…honesty is the best policy, as long as that policy has a time warranty. Some of you will outburst with the comment “BULL!!” That will be the group of individuals who have no secrets and are totally open and revealing to their mates and the entire world……please refer to paragraph #4 about aliens and androids.

                                                                                                                                                    Charlie…..or is it?

November 24, 2012

  • Thanksgiving, Black Friday…….now I’m jolly!!

       

         IS IT OVER YET????

        Well, Wifey started preparing for the Thanksgiving feast last Saturday. Everyday she did some kind of project and I was kept busy running back and forth to the market like some kind of spousal android. The day before Thanksgiving, she and my daughter-in-law, cleaned and scrubbed the entire house as if there were going to be multiple surgeries. I was restricted to the use of one small bathroom with orders to self-assimilate all bowel movements until Friday.

        Out of town family started arriving Wednesday night and I was instructed to wear clean clothes and socks….I hate putting on airs. Anyway, we had a wonderful evening catching up on the family tree and the latest rotten fruits to fall. Later, once everyone was tucked in for the night, Wifey got to baking. Apple, cherry and pumpkin pies. The wondrous smells caused me to have a salivatory epiphany.

        As the rest of the clan assembled the next day, hugs and grimaces were exchanged and soon the moment to gather at the table was announced by Wifey. The family responded with the instinct of a hunting pack to a carcass. I stood and quietly prayed while making goofy faces at my youngest grandchild. I’m still catching grief over the Thanksgiving blessing, because I blessed the food and then thanked God for the NFL. All the same, I heard several whispered amen’s at the table. Food was quickly passed and tossed around the table and serving spoons and forks became fencing foils. Once everyone had maxed out their dinner plates with food…..the feast commenced and the table became as quiet as a hunting preserve. Soon there was an eruption of praises and accolades to Wifey’s culinary skills with numerous obligatory request for secret recipes and advice. Wifey waved it all off and whispered that it was really nothing. I stared at her in wonderment, like a deer onadarkenedturnpikefacing an oncoming Chevy Volt.

        The banquet was a great success, but a total disaster in the kitchen. The women folk, except for one who was allergic to soap, jumped in to help clean up and put away all the utensils and cookware. It will take us at least six months to find it all. In due time, all was done and the men all watched football in one room while in another, the women discussed Christmas ideas and the latest episode of The Real Housewives of Slutsville . After the ballgames, most of the crowd loaded up their doggy bags of food and waddled out the front door under a barrage of “be safe,” “take care,” and “sorry, I got gas.” Peace, at last. I finally used the bathroom and went to bed.

        Wifey started shopping at 5am this morning, “Black Friday,” and shopped for six hours. After playing kamikaze in the parking lots, jousting in traffic and fighting the crowds like ‘The Walking Dead ,’ she then came home and beat me up. It’s worth the beating as long as I don’t have to go shopping. Anyway….there are so many leftovers in the fridge that I still can’t find any of the Butterfingers I hid in the back after Halloween. If I eat one more turkey sandwich, I’m going to hurl giblets! Wifey now wants all the boxes of Christmas junk brought down from the attic this weekend. Maybe I’ll finally find my golf clubs or, at least, our lost cat from last Christmas.

        Wifey walked around the house later looking for a good location for the Christmas tree. She said she wants a ten footer this year and that Lowes has them for $129. She looks at me and asks where would be a good place for it. I just grin. She beats me up again. Fact is, I’m jolly for the holidays and all the rushing around and buying everybody nice expensive gifts and then decorating the entire house inside and out while I listen to holiday carols yammer nonstop. I will also love the quarts of jazzed eggnog that I will consume while I get friggin jolly…..happy holidays.

     

                                                                                                                                            Charlie

     

     

     

November 16, 2012

  •  

        Ugly People

     
    Okay…..let me do the DISCLAIMER first;


        All God’s children are beautiful. Ugly is no more than a state of mind and each of us, in our own unique way, are both beautiful and visually obscene. This blog is meant to pay homage to their affliction, bless their hearts, and not to ridicule it …….Charlie

        That said, let’s get on to ugly. You will nod your head, knowingly, to everything I’m about to say, but, in most cases, will not openly verbalize your own conclusions and observations concerning the Beauty Challenged of this world. We are so induced into not seeing the flaws of nature that, along with hugging trees, we freely hug rhino faced individuals that just 500 years ago would have been burned at the stake while handsome people watched and cheered!

        People can’t help being ugly, no more than they can help being liberals…..it’s a flaw in nature, and it’s not like the flu where a vaccine or a condom will prevent it. For centuries, we have relied on convents and monasteries to quarantine the mishaps of nature and alcohol has also been influential. Being ugly is not a crime, but being ugly in public should be. Why do you think 16 billion dollars a year is spent on makeup in this country alone? Plastic surgery accounts for 14 billion, but, that too often leads to the ’Jackson Syndrome’ of freak-ism. It’s no small wonder that Hollywood has a booming franchise of ‘zombie’ movies, considering the number of naturals walking around being auditioned, bless their hearts.

        Gross-Harmony.com brings thousands of appearance challenged people together to share photo-shopped pics and ambiguities about their lives. For a small fee, the site will help bring together couples for ’Bag Head’ parties and darkroom dinners. Once a year they sponsor a 2 day Halloween cruise and then, in December, they hold an event called the Elfin and Troll regalia . The site offers a number of services such as an on line beautician specializing in eyebrow grooming and bang extensions. Available also, is advice on tattoo removals, piecing recovery,  cold sore treatment and a 24 hour suicide hotline.

        One last comment on ugliosity. This has nothing to do with how much we love them. Two of my kids were born with this condition and we loved them as much as we loved the ones we kept. People are still people with hopes, dreams, careers and loves. It’s always been said, “It makes no difference how you look on the outside…..it’s how you look on the inside” ….what the hell does that mean!!!!

     

                                                                                                                             Charlie

     

                                         President of Gross-Harmony.com

     

           

     

     

              You didn’t really look up Gross-Harmony.com , did you?  Bless your hearts.

     

     

November 2, 2012

  • Deliver me from the DMV and cholera!!!

     

             THE DMV

      

     

        There are fundamentally two kinds of people on this giant spinning moss rock. There are those I like and those I don’t like. I can’t believe it took me all these decades to organize that state of mind. Now, it does pose a dilemma. Too many of those I don’t like invade my everyday space like creeping cholera. These are the cretins I encounter in traffic, the grocery store, my neighbor with the purple shutters and the car that camps out in front of me at the Wendy’s drive thru. But….it’s the assorted bureaucrats that occupy all the state and county offices that really crunch my huckleberries. Here they scurry behind their protective barriers like Neanderthals on mushrooms, while they maintain a vigilance of some large electronic clock as it silently ticks towards their next union break.

    Recently, I had to report to the DMV to update my old worn out driver’s license from Roman numerals to regular numbers. The DMV waiting room looked like there was an open audition for the Jerry Springer show. I obediently took a number and sat down next to a large woman with fish tattooed on her left leg. The large fish were swimming up her thigh and entering under her shorts as they migrated up the Amazon to spawn. I looked down at my ticket stub and saw that it was #85. The big digital sign on the wall said they were currently rescuing # 51! Crap ta mighty!

    Almost an hour and a half later, I was summoned. My back was now stiff and my butt ached as I waddled like Quasimodo up to the narrow peek-a-boo window.

    “Yes, I help you please?” said a tax paid employee with the name tag- Mrs. Sanchez.

    “My drivers license has expired.”

    “Okay. I give you new one. You give me old one please.”

    “I handed her my old laminated license that had been my wallet’s mate for the last eight years. She stared at it for a moment and then started pecking on her computer.

    “You have same address, yes?”

    “Yes. But, my weight has changed,” I added.

    “Oy, I see that, but is no longer put on license.” I didn’t like her snide comment. “You donate organ, yes?”

    “At my age, no one would take the chance,” I laughed. She gave me the kind of look you get when someone catches you wiping a booger on your car seat.

    “Sign here…..$25 please….you stand on X for picture and not talk.”  I was totally obedience, as I was getting euphorically high knowing I was almost finished and out the door. Ten minutes later, an angry little civil servant called my name and I was presented with my new shiny drivers license. I noticed that I had only one eye open when the picture was taken. Now I had to remember, if I was ever pulled over by the cops, that I needed to keep one eye closed.

                  Most of this is true, except for the made up parts……..Charlie

     

     

     

     

October 23, 2012

  • Old Farts and Life Insurance……

        OLD FART INSURANCE

       

        I had a sobering awaking a couple of months ago. Let me start by saying, that I personally have several life insurance policies. One that will cover my home, one to take care of my family and a small one for @deblove_u, who emailed me on Blogster not long ago and sent me some nice pics from her homeland. As strange as it may sound, I also had a policy on my dog, but found out too late it didn‘t cover FedEx trucks.

        Okay, I straying from my ‘sobering awaking.’ It seems that when I turned 65 this year, that ALL my life insurance policies decreased their benefits by 32%!! My car insurance went up $200 a year and my auto mechanic now wants to be paid in advance when he fixes my car……most depressing. It seems that I have been reclassified! I feel like the Grey Spotted Swamp Goat, that’s been placed on the endangered species list, except I’m not protected or worshiped by PETA.

        When I eventually turn 70, my policies will devalue an additional 20%. At that rate, by the time I hit 90, my combined inheritance won’t buy a cheese burger at Wendy’s. If I had to retro-flex my life, (I made that word up), I would have skipped the insurance premiums and bought gold instead. Taking just the total premiums I would have made over the last 20 years, and calibrating for the gold market over those years, I would now have twice the value of all my current policies. Then, unfortunately, when my gizzard finally conks out or I choke on a chicken wing at HOOTER’S, the IRS will then determine how much of that gold wealth will be available to my beneficiaries.

        But, alas….hindsight is about as useless as a condom dispenser at a biker bar. Facts are facts. The older you get, the more expendable you become and eventually a liability. It sucks, but, I’m a realistic pragmatist and I know the government classifies old farts as ‘tax depleted,’ untrainable for combat and unreliable as a voter. But, I know I need to go with the flow and just take life as it comes. In the event I come across a bump in the road, well then, I’ll trip over it and sue the friggin crap out of the county and then bequeath the settlement to my beneficiaries. Payback can be a geriatric bitch.

     

    I really am in good shape as far as life insurance. I just wrote this to throw off the in-laws……..Charlie